There was a Turk called Reno
by QueenAlla
Summary: Random tales of the one and only Reno of the Turks. No need to read it in order, just choose a chapter that interests you. T due to swearing, sexual references, and unimaginable randomness.
1. Reno, Rufus and the Clicky Pen

**Reno, Rufus, and the Clicky Pen**

I finished my school test early and had nothing to do, so I made a story about the first thing that came to mind. The pen in my hand. Hope it's random enough ;) Tell me if I should write more. These short drabbles are the perfect boredom busters for school, so I'd be more than willing to do so-if they're okay.

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Click.

Click.

Click click.

"Reno..." The agitated President Shinra muttered between gritted teeth, trying his best to finish the mountain of paperwork before him. "That is highly irritating."

The redheaded Turk continued to click his pen, but now to a beat. "My music soothing you, Rufena?"

Rufus went a slight shade of red. "I told you, Reno, I have no interest in Elena."

Click.

"Yeah, and that's why you were at her apartment last night." Reno retorted, grinning.

The 'slight shade of red' increased. "It was a matter of buisness, Reno. And how would you know that anyway?"

It was Reno's turn to go red. "Uh...I have my ways..."

Click click click click.

Click click.

"Why are you in my office anyway, Reno? Do you not have work to attend to?" Rufus was getting more frustrated by the second.

Click.

Click click.

"The pen says it all." Reno replied, his monotone voice matching his blank, emotionless stare.

Rufus looked up. "What the-no it doesn't! Reno, get out of my office!"

The Turk smirked. "Okay."

Click.

Click.

Click click.

"Well, get a move on then!" Rufus snarled.

"You didn't say when."

The blonde man looked back down at the paperwork beneath him and tried his best to write.

Click click.

Click.

Suddenly, Rufus felt the left side of his face warm up. He slowly turned his face towards the peering eyes of the redhead next to him.

_Remind me why I hired this obnoxious buffoon?_ Rufus asked himself, but no answer came.

Click.

Click.

"What'cha writin' Rufena?" Reno asked, and just to make his boss' day, he was chewing loudly on a piece of gum. It was unbearable.

"Gum is a banned item, Reno. Get it out of your mouth!" Rufus snapped.

Instantly, the chewing and clicking stopped. It left Rufus relieved for a moment, until he remembered that he was dealing with Reno. And when something involved Reno, it was never this simple.

He turned his head towards the redhead, somehow knowing in his heart what he had done.

"Reno," He murmured, his tone murderously quiet.

"Yeah boss'?" Reno asked, too cheerfully.

_So now it's 'boss'. _Rufus thought sarcastically.

"Why is your gum in my stationary holder?" His tone was so threatening that it surprised him Reno didn't have the sense to know he was about to die.

He smirked in reply. "Ohh...Sorry Sir. It looked like a bin to me."

"Take it out."

Reno obeyed, and stood in his place, the gum sitting in his outright palm, awaiting his next order.

Rufus sighed, tired of the Turk's games. "Put it in the garbage bin by your feet."

He heard a soft plop, and looked down, groaning. "Take it out of my paper drawer."

Reno took it and awaited his response. He was almost identical to a smart-ass robot.

Rufus hesitated, not feeling the urge to do what he was about to do. "Give it to me."

He squirmed as he felt the warm, sticky substance touch his hand. Standing up, he walked to the bin and released the gum, before cleaning his hands with a large sum of dettol. Finally, he walked back to his desk and sat back down, writing.

"What'cha writin', Rufena?" Reno repeated.

"Your pay check."

Something told Reno it wasn't going to be a pretty number.


	2. Reno, Tifa, Elena and the Hot Tub

**Reno, Tifa, Elena and the Hot Tub**

The PE theory work today was too easy (as usual). I finished early, and this was all I had left to do...Enjoy! XD

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Elena and Tifa were relaxing in the Shinra hot tub, enjoying a conversation about how Cloud and Reno should really learn to get along with each other. The billowing steam rose to the tile roof, sending the gas in all directions. The atmosphere was comforting and warm, making Tifa in particular, as she wasn't a frequent hot tub visitor, feel rather sleepy.

"...But really, if they set aside their differences, I bet they'd make great friends." Elena commented, her eyes closed in tranquility.

"Mmm..." Tifa mumbled in reply, letting the warmth of the water calm her senses. "...Elena?"

"Yeah?" Elena slid further into the depths of the tub.

"Why did you invite me here in the first place?"

The blonde Turk's eyes remained closed, but a tiny giggle surpassed her smiling lips. "Well, I figured if the Turks and Avalanche were going to become...'allies' with each other, that I may as well act friendly towards the head female."

Tifa blushed softly at the Turk's comment. _Head female, am I?_

"Well, I'm glad you did. I haven't had a soak this good in ages!"

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Reno's shifty eyes darted back and forth across the hallway. The sly redheaded Turk crept on his tiptoes towards the sauna, his boots left at the gym next door.

_Ehehehehe...This is payback for Elena ditching me for Tifa!_

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Tifa was half asleep now, and Elena knew it all too well. The blonde Turk smiled at the brunette, and splashed her playfully with the steaming hot liquid.

"Wake up, sleepy-head!" She giggled, feeling much like a schoolgirl.

Tifa yelped in response to the splash, her eyes widening. "Hey! I wouldn't do that if I were you...Avalanche owns Shinra any day!"

Elena smirked. "I doubt it. We'd better get out of here before you fall asleep!"

Tifa groaned. "Out? This is heaven! My aching body is thanking me, and I don't want to let it down..."

Elena held up her towel and stepped lightly out of the hot tub, taking swift little strides towards the sauna. Tifa let out a long, discontent sigh before standing up. Suddenly, the high-pitched shriek of Elena echoed throughout the room. "Elena!?"

She rushed towards the sauna, hand holding her towel, awaiting the horrific sight that she would soon witness.

But she saw none. And that was the problem.

"That stupid bastard stole our clothes!!!" Elena cried, her face flushed with rage. She turned her head towards Tifa. "Note this day. It is the day Reno of the Turks plants his last footprint on this accursed Planet."

Tifa went pale. Without clothes, there was no hope for the two of them. There was no escape. And now that their clothes were gone, so were their phones. "How do you know it was Reno?"

"How do I know it was _RENO_!?!?!" Elena gaped. "You did _not_ just ask me that!!!"

Tifa stared at her. "Okay...I didn't ask you that..."

Elena bit her lip from nervousness. "Can we just go catch that retard, before he mails our underwear to Rufus?"

Tifa nodded. "You really know that guy inside out, don't you?"

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"Mwahahahaha!!!" Reno, now wearing his boots, was running for his office, two sets of clothes waving in his hands. "That's what you get for messing with _me_, Elena!!!"

Random Shinrians were giving him odd stares, for obvious reasons. But Reno wasn't the only one recieving stares. Two familiar women behind him happened to be gaining a lot of attention-especially from the men. Rufus Shinra wasn't going to like this tale.

"Reno, get your ass here _right_ now!!!" A high-pitched voice called after him.

The redhead turned around and began to run backwards, admiring the sight before him. "Wow, I must be popular, to have two hot chicks chasing after me in towels!"

That comment made Tifa shriek. "You are going to die, asshole!!!"

The two women had never faced such shame. Neither had Reno, once he had travelled straight into a hard tile wall and fallen flat on the ground.

And when he saw the two half-naked figures advancing on him, he knew embarrasment was the least of his worries.


	3. Reno, Elena, Cissnei and the Catfight

**Reno, Elena, Cissnei and the Catfight**

We had to do some random bully program at school during English, and I was bored out of my mind. But the whole 'bullying' concept gave me an interesting idea for a fanfic hehe...Hope you like it! Oh and yes, I know that Elena and Cissnei have never supposedly met, but I felt the urge to put them together anyway. They seemed like perfect enemies. ;)

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The harmonious sounds of squealing, screeching and swearing had attracted Reno's attention, naturally. He was drawn to the sound, like a moth to a light, and was already peering out the door at the hot looking scene in the hallway. Two girls, identified as the blonde Elena and the redhead Cissnei, were sparring using rather colourful phrases. What were the friendly couple fighting over this time?

The wavy haired girl's eyes were blazing with a passionate fury at her blonde haired opponent. "Just give it up, you blonde bimbo! He's mine!"

Elena let out a high pitched shriek and bitch slapped the younger girl across the face. Violence amongst Turks, while no surprise, was unacceptable and punishable. Though the mad couple didn't seem to mind. "Blonde what now!? You redheaded ape! Go get a boyfriend!"

Cissnei squealed in rage and slapped her back. "I already have a boyfriend! And he has the same colour hair as I do! So I suggest you go back to the facts before you start accusing me!"

Elena copied her squealing, leaving Reno plugging his ears with his fingers-but only for a moment, he couldn't resist the chance to hear those two say how good-looking he was, or to hear those sweet, sweet retorts.

"Reno is NOT your boyfriend! And _he_ doesn't have hair that looks like it just got caught in a thunderstorm!" Elena's fists were clenched in rage, and her brown eyes, Reno could swear were turning crimson.

"Yeah he is. We've been going out since last week. Get with the program, loser." Cissnei poked her tongue out defiantly at her colleague.

Elena stomped her foot on the ground like a six year old trying to get their own way.

_Hell, she looks so sexy when she does that..._Reno was close to fainting from the hotness of the whole situation.

"Give me proof, Donkey Kong. I want _proof_." Elena snapped, her arms now crossed, trying to supress her anger before she completely lashed out.

Cissnei just shrugged. "Okay, you want proof?" Being only a metre or so from Reno's prying eyes, she grabbed him by the hand and kissed him passionately, pulling him close.

Reno broke free of the female redhead's strong grasp. "How you knew I was there is beyond me, but whew! That was freakin' hot, baby!"

Elena glared at the girl with such extreme hatred that it was a match for Reno's flaming hair. "Oh yeah? Well anyone can pull of that stunt!"

She grabbed Reno by the collar and kissed him fiercely, not letting go until he went weak and literally fainted, collapsing onto the ground. She turned her eyes towards the half-stunned Cissnei and gave her a devious smirk. "Beat that."

Cissnei shrugged again, before leaning over the unconscious man and kissing him once more. Suddenly, Reno's eyelids fluttered open mid-kiss, and he managed to say between breaths, "You know...this could be considered...sexual assault...but I...never realised...how much I liked it!" Strange thing for Reno to be saying.

Heavy footsteps could be heard behind them, and then a grunt followed by a rather strong gagging sound. Rude happened to have come across the rather...interesting scene, and he didn't look very comfortable with it.

"Nngh...At least take it in the office." With that, Rude ran off, headed towards the men's bathroom.

For once, the tables had been turned. And Reno knew just how it felt to be the victim of one of his many assaults.

Just say stop.

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Man that was random...But then again, these are the random tales of Reno...


	4. Reno, Yuffie and Dairy, Chocobo, Materia

**Reno, Yuffie and a Nice Proportion of Dairy, Chocobo's and Materia**

Well I was thinking randomly again, and the idea popped into my head. What if Reno were a vegan? Well, this is my interpretation...A fair bit longer than my other chapters.

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Reno was having a...'wonderful'...time at Yuffie's place in Wutai. He'd decided to take a break from work-not that he ever did much-and go back to the forces of nature to discover his 'true self'. Or so he had told Tseng in a text message five minutes ago. He didn't seem to be very happy about his mysterious disappearance, either.

Yuffie had tried to explain meditation to the redhead, to help him on his journey to self discovery, but she had made the mistake of saying it while he was experimenting with poses on her shiki futon, trying to find a comfortable position. And then he fell asleep.

At the present moment in time, Reno was sitting by himself on her sofa, grieving over the fact that there was no television, computer, or fridge. He wasn't a big fan of the natural alternative foods that were offered to him, which weren't really all that appetising. Sushi, milk, sour cream and corn chips-well, he did eat the chips, but that was basically it.

While the redhead was mourning, Yuffie was in the kitchen, preparing an afternoon snack for the two, after refusing the help of her father. She silently watched over him, stifling a giggle or two as he mumbled curses to himself.

"Ugh..." Reno moaned, his head rested in his hands, trying to block out the stench of fish. "Yuffie, how do you stay sane in this place?"

Yuffie smirked as she swiftly chopped up a few rolls of seaweed. "With materia, of course."

He looked up disbelievingly. "Materia? What do you do, play hide and seek with it?"

Knowing the obsessed materia hunter, he knew it would have been no surprise.

Yuffie giggled as if he had asked the stupidest question on the face of the Planet. "Of course not! We play fetch, you dummy!"

Reno opened his mouth to protest, but Yuffie and her smart mouth beat him to it. "Do you want milk with your sushi?"

He shuddered in his seat, grimacing at the mention of word. "Eugh. No thanks."

Yuffie's brown eyes widened, making her look all the more younger than 16. "What the heck's wrong with my freshly milked milk? You got a problem with our chocobos?"

Reno shuddered once again, his face going a right shade of green. "No, I'm a vegan."

Yuffie stared blankly at the sickened Turk, popping a piece of cheese in her mouth. "You're a what now?"

"A vegan."

"What now?" She repeated, not believing her ears.

"It means I don't consume anything that comes from an animal's ass or the like." Reno replied, getting irritated by the persistant girl.

Yuffie rolled her eyes, spat out the cheese, and threw it at his head. "Well _duh_. Whatd'ya think I am? Stupid?"

"I won't answer that." Reno muttered solemnly, removing the slimy cheese from his hair.

Within moments, Yuffie had placed a plate of sushi next to Reno, and sat next to him with her two glasses of milk and her own plate.

"But I thought you ate meat." Yuffie replied finally.

"I do. I'm kinda...A vegan that eats meat but not cheese and cream and stuff...Not that that made any sense at all...Basically, the thought of eating stuff that comes from an animal's ass or whatever kinda sickens me."

Yuffie was listening intently, trying to understand but failing miserably. "Aha."

Reno was now staring oddly at the girl, not comprehending the fact that she had poured herself two glasses of milk.

"Why have you got two milks?" Reno asked, feeling bored enough to ask her the question.

Yuffie shrugged. "I didn't want it to go to waste."

_Is she mentally challenged?_ Reno asked himself, watching the girl as she guzzled down the white liquid.

"But...You didn't even pour mine until after I told you I didn't want any. So why didn't you just make one?"

Yuffie shrugged once more. "'Cause I was bored."

_What the hell?_ Reno shook his head sadly.

After two minutes of Yuffie stuffing her face and Reno eyeing the strong, fishy smelling food in front of him, he began to grow thirsty. And when that happened, he knew what it meant. He needed a beer. Or two.

Yuffie had been staring down Reno's sushi for the past minute or so now. "You...Gonna eat that?" Her eyes went to Reno's, almost pleading for him to let her take it. That, of course, was no problem for him.

"Go ahead, don't mind me. I'm gonna go get myself a drink." Reno stood up and stretched, easing his cramped muscles.

"Owh waisht! I'll getshu shum." Yuffie replied, her mouth crammed with so much food that it was falling out. Reno squirmed, feeling a little more than disgusted with the wide eyed, hard-to-believe princess.

She rushed over to the kitchen after one last monster bite, and reached into the cupboard, revealing a dusty bottle of creaming soda. "Mint condition."

Reno stared blankly at the girl. "Uh, I kinda had beer in mind...."

Yuffie looked up, strangely resembling a curious puppy that had been offered a bone. "Beer? Here? Good luck with that."

Reno's face went pale, and he felt a strangely strong sickness coming on. "No...Beer?" He couldn't believe his ears. A place without beer didn't exist in the world of Reno.

She shook her head, confirming his fears. "Nope. Ever since there was a big brawl in the pub last month, dad put a ban on all alcohol in Wutai. Pretty sad, huh?"

"No...Beer?" He was having trouble comprehending the situation. "No beer, no T.V, no computer, no fridge...WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING IN A SUICIDAL TOWN LIKE THIS!?!?!?!?"

Reno broke into a frantic run, heading for the door where he knew his helicopter was waiting.

But when he went outside, there was no helicopter. There was no sign of it at all. It was completely gone. Gone. Gone. Gone...

"NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!" Reno fell to the ground and cried. "What did I ever do!? I mean sure I stole Shinra's helicopter and took it out for a holiday, but still! You could interpret that any way you want! Oh help me, someone! Save me from this nightmare!"

He spotted a knife a few metres away from him. "Oh, my love, come to me!"

Just as he was about to reach it, a swift hand snatched it away. Yuffie's.

"Whatd'ya think you're tryin' to pull, pal? If you think this is torture, then you need to go get yourself a life. This town is tranquility, a resting place!"

Reno looked up and smiled weakly. "Thanks. For savin' me."

But Yuffie wasn't finished. "I mean honestly, you could at least go out the gates right next to you and commit suicide! You don't have to contaminate Wutai, you know!"

Reno's face lost all traces of gratefulness. "Oh, thanks. You make me feel so good."

Yuffie smiled and shrugged. "You're welcome! Now hop up, come on! I'll make you a nice hot cup of thornberry tea with extra milk, and while you drink it, I'll arrange for a chocobo to take you back to Midgar!"

She was sweet, and everyone loved her for it, but her brain lacked a little in the smart department.

Reno stood up and brushed himself off. "Um, thanks, but how exactly do you plan to get a chocobo across the ocean?"

Yuffie just smiled. "With a water materia, of course!"

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...Well, not exactly my best, but I hope it was okay. I felt the urge to put Yuffie in one of my fanfics, and I couldn't resist it. ;)


	5. Reno, Elena and the Mutated Ferret

**Reno, Elena and the Mutated Ferret**

I did this at school for creative writing in English, hehe. Yes, so, enjoy! XD

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"Laaaaaney!" The constant droning male's voice was driving Elena to insanity. He had been standing outside her office door, bashing it hard, despite knowing it was unlocked. "Ohh Laaaaaaney!"

The blonde Turk gritted her teeth and tried her best to keep her head down and work. There was at least 3 hours worth of paperwork sitting in front of her, and she had arranged plans for the afternoon.

"Laney Waney Paney Schmaney Kaney!" The sudden outburst made Elena jump in shock, despite it being rather expected.

"LANEY!!!"

The pressure that had rushed through Elena's arm had reached her hand and had resulted in the snapping of her pen, and naturally, it was only Reno's fault.

As if on cue, the door busted open-literally-falling to the floor to reveal a tall, strikingly handsome man. His vibrant shock of red hair was as bright as always, and his long ponytail shook from side to side, much like an actual horse's. He was wearing his signature 'Reno' grin, and his aquamarine eyes were glistening with mischief, making the pit of Elena's stomach churn with nerves.

"'Sup Laney?" Reno asked casually, as if he had just came in for an early morning visit.

"Stop calling me that!" She snapped.

The redheaded Turk shrugged nonchalantly, confirming his fate. "Fine. 'Lena."

He chuckled, ducking down to miss a near hit from Elena's incoming half-broken pen. Brushing himself off, he walked over to her desk and leaned over the paperwork, mere centimetres from the blonde woman's face. "Havin' fun?"

A pair of irritable hands brushed him away before continuing with their former work. "Not particularily. But I've gotta get this done so I can go out this afternoon."

There was an unexpected silence, and Elena was unsure why. She hesitantly looked up at the Turk to make sure he hadn't done anything stupid, and thankfully, he hadn't. That she knew of, at least.

"Hey 'Lena? You seen Bobby?" Reno asked finally, his question coming of surprise to Elena.

"Bobby?" Elena repeated blankly. He not only came up with the strangest questions, but also the strangest names.

Reno clicked his fingers at Elena, grinning, as if he were the sanest man on the face of the Planet. "Yeah, that's the one."

She continued to stare, not able to comprehend what Reno was trying to say. "Bobby?"

"Yeah, Bobby. Benny's cousin." He frowned at the clueless girl, replaying his words over in his head to make sure they had made sense. "The ferret."

Now she laughed. A girly, innocent sound that seemed to fill up the bleak office with its glee. "Oh, _that_ ferret."

He didn't have time for her games. "Have you seen him or not? He's a creamy white with a long tail that has a couple gnaw marks on it, and he has pricky ears with little white hairs growin' outta them."

The blonde snorted. "Details, details. No, Reno, I haven't seen your stupid ferret."

Reno gave her a defensive glare. He must have loved that ferret. "Bobby aint stupid! He's smarter than you!"

_He's one to talk._ Elena thought sarcastically. To him, she replied curtly, "It might just be me, but I don't recall seeing him wearing a blue suit and tie."

Reno wasn't due to shut up and leave anytime soon, she could tell. "Being a Turk doesn't automatically make you smart, 'Lena."

Elena's deep brown eyes studied the Turk with the ruffled blue suit. He looked rather goofy today. Perhaps it was that dorky smile and the fact that his goggles seemed to have fallen further down his face than usual. No, it was definitely the expensive brand shoe polish.

She wore a raised eyebrow on her face as she muttered, "You're right there, Reno."

Thankfully, he didn't hear her. Unfortunately, however, he had layed his aquamarine eyes on a steel box sitting atop Elena's desk. It had several small air-holes, and there was a rather pungent odour emitting from it, as he now noticed.

He tapped the box curiosly, scanning it from all directions. "What's that?"

Elena looked back up from her paperwork and waved a hand at the silver object. "Meh. Some cage Tseng gave me. Said to mind it for a while."

Reno eyed it in realisation, an amused expression flashing on his face. He looked back at Elena. "Ever wonder why?"

He lifted a small lock and began to tamper with it, until he recieved an irritated snap from the blonde. "He also said not to touch it."

Reno smirked rather evilly and continued to play with the lock. "Screw him."

Elena sighed. It was her own fault for leaving the box so visible on her desk. She should have known it was in Reno's second nature to have the urge to get into other people's buisness.

Click.

The lock was open. The box was open. So was Reno's mouth. It was hung open quite wide, in fact. But no sound escaped his lips-he was too shocked to speak a word.

Truth be told, the 'box' was really a cage. Inside lay a rested creature, large and mangled, with a bright green tinge to its coarse fur. It looked like a rat that had emerged from the deepest of the Shinra sewers. And that was nothing to celebrate.

Elena cocked her head to the side, trying to find the name of the hell-bred monster. "It's a...skunk?"

"Bobby." The word had barely surpassed Reno's cold, trembling lips.

"Eugh. Reno, this...'thing', is yours?" Her fingers went instinctively to her nose, where she could block out the awful stench that had emitted from the vile mutant.

"DAMN YOU HOJO!!!!!!!!" Reno yelled at the top of his lungs, falling weakly to the carpet floor which he now wept upon. "Curse you to hell where you belong..."

Elena leaned over her desk to witness the amusing sight before her. Reno looked like a child having a tantrum. His hands rubbed his eyes, which were screwed shut, sobbing uncontrollably at the unfortunate fate that had occoured to his pet.

Just to make the most of the situation before her, Elena asked, "Reno, why are you crying over Hojo's experiment? It isn't exactly the prettiest thing he's ever created..."

The infuriated redhead stomped his feet loudly against the ground and crossed his arms defensively. "Shut your mouth 'Lena! I loved him, and now he's been reduced to a wallowing, helpless...Oh crap."

Wallowing and helpless weren't exactly perfect words to describe Reno's newfound ferret. In fact, it was quite the opposite.

Elena swallowed hard as she watched the creature grow. "More like frenzied fiend."

'Bobby' was growing larger and more agressive by the second. The creature's fangs were more noticeable, and it's ravenging beady red eyes seemed to shine with danger.

In just ten short seconds it had grown from the size of your average ferret to the size of your average sofa. It was standing inside the cage on its hind legs somehow, and its facial features were twitching eagerly, as if waiting for the perfect time to strike.

"Call Rufus." Elena whispered to the redhead that was clinging to her legs. "Hurry."

Reno pulled out his mobile phone, only for it to be quickly taken away by a giant sized paw. The paw crushed the device as if it were a bug, and the two Turks knew that if they didn't get out of that office soon, Reno's mobile wasn't the only thing going to be destroyed.

Bobby was now the size of a van, and his green face wasn't showing any signs of generosity. He snarled loudly, the sound resembling an enraged dinosaur, to a degree.

"Rrrrun!!!" Reno cried, but Elena needed no second warning.

After bolting out the door, they ran down the hallway and headed for the elevator. To their dismay, it left just as they arrived, and the wait was a long one. That left two options. The stairs, or Tseng's office.

The latter seemed more desirable.

As they slammed Tseng's door shut, a loud smash could be heard from outside. The sound of crumbling walls entered the ears of nearby Shinrians.

"Reno? Elena?" Tseng looked up from his tower of paperwork and gave them a puzzled frown. "What are you-"

"Helpusbobbywillkillushidemequick!!!" Reno's incomprehensible reply was insanely fast. Tseng continued to stare, and Elena knew they were getting knowhere.

"Reno opened the cage." Elena sighed, and Tseng nodded as realisation settled in.

"Ah."

An awkward silence filled the room, until Reno spoke up. "So...Tseng. How's work goin' for ya? You look pretty loaded there."

The only female in the room rolled her eyes at her colleague's idiocity. "Reno..."

The three Turks froze as the mortifying sound of gunshots came from the hallway. That was followed by a shriek, a yell, another shriek, a rather cliche warcry, and then finally, a moaning, gurgling sound of a dying creature.

"Bobby?" Reno whispered, his throat hoarse.

Slowly and carefully, the redhead walked outside and surveyed the sight before him. Rude was standing in place, a smoke emitting pistol in one hand, and a dead, blood stained ferret in the other-held by the tail, of course. Behind his shady sunglasses, he glanced at the queasy Reno and blinked twice.

Rude grinned and held up the dead animal. "'Sup Reno? Wanna have dinner at my place tonight?"

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I wanted to bring out the cruel side of Rude. :P

And yeah, it turned out a lot longer than expected...


	6. Reno, Rude and the Question

**Reno, Rude and the Question**

I was replaying the scene in Wutai with Don Corneo when Reno comes to the rescue and I just _had_ to use it...in a different setting, of course.

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Reno's office door slammed open to reveal a rather agitated bald Turk. He didn't particularily enjoy being called on in the middle of his lunch break.

He had tried ignoring the redhead's blatant request, but 'that redhead'wouldn't give up until he got the answer he wanted. And that took a while. So now he was an agitated bald Turk with a _headache_.

And to make his situation just a little more irritating, Reno was lounging in his office chair eating donuts and coffee.

"So...you finally decided to...come, eh bud?" Reno began between mouthfuls, accomplishing his task of making his partner's mouth water.

Rude just grunted.

"Well, that's a relief. I was just about to eat your share of the donuts!" Reno let out a sudden burp. "Oh wait, I already did. Heh. Oh well, at least they were only mako coloured. Wait, they're your favourite, aren't they? Whoops."

The older Turk was already tired of his antics. "What did you call me in for?"

"Ah." Reno shifted the box of donuts and placed his hands together knowingly. The mischevious glint in his aquamarine eyes didn't help either. "Well, I suppose I could tell you...But first, I've got to ask you something."

Rude felt implied to walk out, but his redheaded partner's quick question came before he took the move.

"Why did I ask you here instead of Elena?"

Rude opened his mouth to speak, but Reno wasn't finished.

"One; because I was sure you're a better Turk, two; because I was clueless, or three; because Elena's torture day was Tuesday."

Rude had a funny feeling he knew what the redhead was about to do, although he was sure Reno had completely changed the answer options. And he knew there was no escape.

Swallowing hard as he locked eyes with Reno, he replied calmly, "Three."

"WRONG!" Grinning madly, the redhead slammed a big red button located on his desk and cackled just as oddly. "It was all of the above!"

"But that wasn't-" Rude began, but was once again beaten in time by his prankster of a partner. "Yaaah!"

There was a thud, and then a sound of growling, barking wolves. And that of which was followed by a yelp, uncommon to the bald man.

Reno was still beaming in pride at his victory. "Thanks bud! I needed someone to test out my new trapdoor for me, and you aced it 100%!"

Rude hated Fridays.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Poor Rude. His day of torment and torture is Fridays...aka today...

I'd love to know, how did it go? O.o


	7. Reno, Cid, Vincent and the Phoenix Down

**Reno, Cid, Vincent and the Tuft of Phoenix Down**

--Warning--

Swearing present, as you could expect with Cid in here...and...maybe a bit of yaoi, just for fun...You've been warned. O.o

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"Woo-hoo! I win! Suck on that, Avalanche losers!" Reno slammed his prized possession of 65,000 battle points on the drink table, sending the frothy liquid straight out of an irritated pilot's mug.

The Turk wouldn't let the two Avalanche men forget that day. Reno had scored a whole 25,000 more battle points than his fellow companions-an overly depressed Vincent and a cursing Cid.

A Cid who wasn't happy in the least.

"Shut the f*** up before I shove my f***ing stick down yer f***ing throat, Shinra dog!" He sent his mug of ale flying across the room in his anger, before hastily pulling out his flask of tea and skulling it like there was no tomorrow.

Before Reno could react, Vincent cast away his recently used Cerberus, his head hung in shame. "If anyone needs me I'll be in the basement...again..."

The sky pilot scowled at him. "Not before you gimme that army knife, you aint. Hand it over."

Vincent's face darkened, his crimson eyes flicking like a failing lightbulb as he reluctantly gave him the short blade.

Cid sighed. "And the other two..."

Reno decided to make the most of the moment. As quickly as Red could run, he headed towards the prize department, where he would proudly redeem his reward.

"65,000 battle points, lady. Load me up." Reno winked at the brunette behind the counter, unaware of the young ninja's identity at first.

Though she was never a brilliant mathematician, Yuffie was smart enough-or smarter than him, at least-to recognize the redhead's unmistakable error.

"Uh, Sir...Don't get too far ahead of yourself. I think you miscalculated. This is 650 battle points-you've got to minus the two zeros at the end." Seeing the Turk's disappointment quickly transform to rage, she quickly added, "But don't worry! You've still got enough to get a prize!"

Reno's dismay didn't disappear, but a generous amount of curiosity had brewed up inside him. "Oh? And what would that be?"

"Yuffie." He added, with a smirk that made the girl blush.

She dropped down to the floor, glad to be able to hide her rosy red cheeks, and began rummaging through the shelves underneath. When she had found what she was looking for, she popped back up and placed three minor prizes on the counter top.

"You can choose which you'd like, in exchange for those battle points. Uhm...Would you like a dried up rose, a tuft of phoenix down or a tissue?"

Reno choked on his own saliva. "You've got to be freakin' kidding me! You're sayin' I worked my ass off in that damned monster-infested hellhole for this crap?! My grandma's house had better stuff than this!"

Yuffie had an awkward expression on her face. "Er..."

With a short huff, Reno decided, "I'll take the phoenix down."

She nodded and took the battle points from the counter, pausing as she watched Reno wipe his nose on the tissue. A crumpled up, now wet pile of rose petals sat in its place, and Yuffie wasn't sure if what he'd done was punishable or not.

"Damn flower...No wonder Aerith's dead..." Reno muttered, sniffling as he took the feather and stormed off.

________________________________

Despite his first reaction, Reno was actually more than happy with his prize. His own phoenix down. He had the power to give life to someone! But who?

Reno thought hard, scanning his brain for any remnants of information.

_Aerith? Nah, that's a waste. The world has enough flat-chests already. Rufus? Wait, he aint dead...yet. Oh brilliant! I can get the ultimate revenge on that stuck-up President, and then bring him back to life like nothin' ever happened!_

Somehow, Reno wasn't too keen on the idea. He was a daredevil, but not even _he_ would go _that _far.

_Of course! Mr Wannabeedwardcullen!_

He'd witnessed Vincent dusting himself off with a good dose of Marlene's fairy glitter once or twice, so the name seemed to suit him. Skipping off gleefully, Reno headed for the Gold Saucer basement, glad that he now had a purpose.

________________________________

As soon as Reno entered, he realised that the basement was unnaturally silent. And empty. Except for a coil of rope that was on the ground, beneath a clearly visible wooden beam-which happened to lead to a door.

Next to the door was a gun-Cerberus in fact. And next to Cerberus was a spear. A...no-name-brand spear.

And when Reno opened that door, he regretted it.

Vincent and Cid were...'expressing their emotions'. A good thing for them, perhaps, as they really did need to let go of the fierce feelings they seemed to contain so often. Maybe not such a good thing for Reno, though. He'd seen a lot in his time, but nothing quite so horrific.

And to make it worse, Reno actually got a giddy feeling from it. "Ahh...Nothing like a good ol' dose of yaoi to ease the troubled heart..."

Vincent and Cid looked up with glares of death flashing on their faces.

That phoenix down wasn't going to do Reno any good now.

_Damn. I knew I shoulda chosen that tissue!_


	8. Reno, Tseng and the top of Shinra HQ

**Reno, Tseng and the top of the Shinra Building**

Just one little step. That's all it took. So why was it so hard?

Reno peered down at the streets below him. The cars and people were insignificant specks from up top of such a tall building, and although the thought of falling so far seemed like a fun way to die, he couldn't muster up the courage to drop.

"Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod....so far down...." Reno was literally jumping up and down on the spot, scratching his head and moaning at the irony of it all.

"Oh, Reno..." A half surprised, half nervous voice said out of the blue.

The redhead turned to identify the producer, and almost wished he hadn't. Tseng was standing there, awestruck, looking somewhat like a lost puppy.

"Uh, Sir...Hiya...heh..." Reno stuttered, quickly walking over to the raven haired man, stumbling on both his footing and his words. "What's...up?"

Tseng cleared his throat in an attempt to end the silence that was brewing. "Unless you want me to answer that literally, I'll say that I came up here to...survey the structure of Midgar..." It was the best he could come up with, and quite frankly, Reno was disappointed.

"Isn't that Reeve's job?" Reno asked, scratching his head awkwardly.

Tseng blinked. "Er...well...to put it simply...yes."

"Oh."

The conversation was not only bland, but bound to lead for disaster.

"What are you doing here, Reno?" Tseng tried.

"...Uh, you know...Admiring the view. Look, you can even see the slums from here!" State the obvious...

Tseng didn't seem to mind. "Yes. Excellent observation..."

"So what's your real reason for coming up here?" Reno asked, knowing that they had both had quite enough of the fooling around.

"Oh, the usual...Stress...Rufus...Other, personal matters...." Reno snorted at Tseng's last comment.

_Personal matters my ass..._

"I see." He said instead, desperately hoping his superior wouldn't ask the inevitable.

"What about you?"

_Damnit._

"What about me?" Reno retorted, his signature grin flashing on his face.

Tseng gritted his teeth. "What are you doing up here, Reno?"

"Talking to you."

_Smart ass._ Tseng thought, angered by the fact that the Turk was giving him more reasons to jump.

"Answer the fu...answer the question!" He was trying hard to think up reasons not to swear at the irritating redhead, but he was running out of them-quickly.

Reno had a distraught look on his face. "If I tell you, I'll jump."

"What the-Reno! As your boss, I order you to answer the question, and _not jump!_" Tseng yelled, his face red with rage.

"Make me."

Tseng's eyes turned crimson, much like a cat's does when you pull its tail. "If you don't answer the question, _I'll _jump!"

"Guess that means we've both got a date with Aerith." Reno remarked swiftly, poking out his tongue, just for the fun of it all.

He wasn't to be fooled around with. The older man stormed towards the edge of the building, dangerously close to his death. "Last chance Reno!"

"Oh no! My boss is about to die! Oh, woe is me!" Reno moaned in a sing song voice.

Just as Tseng was about to jump, an abrupt, high pitched voice broke into their ears. "Reno, I found your nit co-Oh my gosh..."

The sound of metal clinking against the floor rung through their ears, and both male Turks turned to face the pale features of Elena.

"Elena, it's not what it looks-" Reno began.

"Oh shut up Reno, I've heard that claim a thousand times before...Tseng, Sir! Are you alright? Did Reno make you do this?" The blonde Turk rushed towards her boss, her arms outstretched. Tseng took the hug willingly, giving Reno a sly smirk while he was at it. _Sucked in._ He mouthed.

"Oh and Reno? I saved you a triple choc donut downstairs, in case you want it." Elena added, not looking away from the man in front of her.

"I love ya babe!" Reno cheered, and quickly collected the nit comb from the ground, running it through his soft red locks, and heading for the lift.

Elena smirked. Triple choc donuts could be very convincing. Especially when the target was Reno.

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Man, that turned out to be way longer than I expected! But then, I tend to do that a lot...Hope it was okay ^^


	9. Reno, Aerith and the Dream

**Reno, Aerith and the Dream**

Okay, this is the most random thing I've ever written, but I hope you enjoy it anyway ^^

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Reno loved it when he dreamed of Aerith. This was one of those dreams.

"Hey Aerith, wanna hear a good joke?" Reno asked from his odd yoga position on the pure white surface. Though he didn't really know what he was sitting on, exactly.

'_Any joke by him can't be considered good'._ Aerith thought, but instead replied politely, "Sure, Reno."

"Why did Vincent cross the road?"

Her emerald eyes lit up instantly. "To fix the vibrator function on his claw?"

Reno's jaw dropped in awe. "I was gonna say "To get to the second-hand shop", but yours is freakin' perfect!"

Aerith blushed and waved a hand at him. "Aww, Reno, I'm not-"

"But I _won't_ be beaten again." He just wouldn't give up. "What did the Chocobo say to the other?"

Aerith frowned in concentration. "Hmm...Nothing, 'cause chocobos can't talk?"

Reno cursed. "Damn you're good."

She batted her eyelashes innocently. "Want another try?"

"You bet!" Reno snapped, his aquamarine eyes narrowing. "How many Turks does it take to fix a lightbulb?"

"One, as long as it's not Reno." Aerith remarked, with a certainty that envied the redhead.

"Stuff this, I give up." That was a first.

With that, Reno stormed off, towards two magically appearing wooden doors. He didn't hesitate before choosing the left door, which just happened to lead to the dark abyss.

"Er, Reno-"But it was a little too late.

_Meh, he'll be fine._ Aerith told herself, sitting down amongst the suddenly visible flower bed.

"Yaaaaaaah!!! Aeerriiiiith...."

_He'll be fine._


	10. Reno, Cloud and the Gil Tree

Back again! And this time I've tried 'ToWriteLoveOnHerArms08's playlist idea. It's a list of the songs I was listening to as I wrote this. It's quite useful, actually, even if you can't help but sing along. It can change the mood of your writing, and I'm pretty sure that's what it did to me. This is the most serious chapter I've written in this fanfic, hehe. Oh well, I hope you find parts funny, still.

Also, this has kinda turned into more of a Cloud based chapter. It shows his feelings and thoughts, not Reno's. Well, it's a bit of a change. Let me know how it goes ^^

Playlist: The entire album 'Fallen', by Evanescence.

Reno, Cloud and the Gil Tree

Cloud, for once, was feeling particularly good this morning. He was on his way back to Seventh Heaven early, at just 10am. Even now he was inwardly thanking Cid for taking over his delivery shift, despite earlier refusing to leave. The captain had forced him to go home, because apparently he hadn't been having much rest lately. He couldn't really win an argument to that.

Cloud knew something was different from the moment he parked Fenrir next to the bar. It could have been the patch of vomit lying less than a few metres away, but he doubted it. And it wasn't the fact that Marlene and Denzel were at Barret's today. Though it could have been the black vugatti beyron that was parked not far from the bar.

Then he saw it, in all its glory. A tall-1 metre, beautiful, plentiful, practically _shimmering_ tree. And not just any tree. It was a Gil tree, sitting comfortably in a colourful pot.

The blonde man chuckled at first. He couldn't believe his eyes. It hadn't been there this morning, had it?

His chuckle turned into a gleeful laugh, and before he knew it, he was gently stroking the magnificent tree that would change his life.

"Who said Gil didn't grow on trees?" Cloud mumbled, his shifty blue eyes darting from side to side to make sure there were no unwanted witnesses. Thankfully, there were none.

Grabbing the base of the plant, he heaved it upwards, making sure not to spill any of the soil from the pot. Then he hastily ran inside the bar, when the odd feeling grew stronger. And as if on cue, the plant was whisked away from him by a familiar redhead.

"Reno?" Cloud muttered in surprise, "What are you doing here?"

His question was answered by the fact that he was shirtless. The only thing he was wearing was a pair of dark blue trackies, which wasn't reassuring in the slightest.

Ignoring his question, Reno remarked, "That's mine, _delivery boy_." The way he spoke those last two words told Cloud he was asking for a fight.

Cloud didn't know whether to punch him in the face for sleeping with Tifa or steal the Gil tree back from the Turk. It was tempting either way, but he figured the bartender would last longer than the plant.

"Next time you decide to get laid with my best friend I suggest you do it in a way that I don't find out. You're gonna regret ever touching her." With that, Cloud lunged at the redhead with the force of his rage behind him. He swiftly pulled the tree from his grasp and whacked him across the head with the base of the pot, but only after receiving a sharp kick to the groin.

"What makes you think...She's yours to protect?" Reno managed to say whilst delivering a punch to his opponent's face.  
"I promised her that I'd protect her. Especially from people like you." Cloud retorted, blocking the punch with ease before spinning around and head butting him. He was wishing he'd taken his sword from Fenrir now.

"You can't protect her forever. Did it occur to you that she might actually like me?"

Just as Cloud was about to completely knock him out, he heard a sharp gasp come from the staircase. A brunette woman in a black and white outfit was standing at the base of the stairs, a shocked expression forming over her feminine features.

"Cloud, Reno, stop!" She cried, rushing over to them. "You'll break the goldenberry tree!"

To Cloud's distress, she was headed towards the plant, not to him. His day was turning terrible, and he didn't know what to think-or feel.

"Tifa-"He began.

"Shh! I have to tend to the tree, Cloud, please. It was grown by Reno's ancestors, and according to him, it grows golden berries that are harvested at summertime." Tifa interrupted, picking up the fallen plant and carrying it over to the table. Just as she was about to reach it, she stopped and turned around, as if finally realising Cloud's emotions.

"Oh, Cloud...You're not jealous, are you? I thought you knew this would happen. I told you I didn't want to get into a serious relationship." Tifa sighed, brushing off the soil from the plant's leaves.

The blonde ex-soldier stared at her, still lost for words. He was actually quite stunned by the fact that Tifa was blind enough to think that the Gil tree was a berry tree. Finally, all he could manage to say was a simple, "Yeah. I'll fix that for you." Though for Cloud, that was quite a lot.

Reno's now black eyes narrowed. "You'd better fix it. If I come back and find that any worse than it already is..."

"Shut up. You're lucky as hell that I'm fixing this for you. It's yours and you broke it. So I suggest not saying another word." Cloud snarled, slamming his hand on the table forcefully.

Reno rolled his aquamarine eyes. "Whatever." He turned to Tifa. "Permission to take you to the l'eiffel a la francaise?"

Tifa's brown eyes lit up at the mention of such an exquisite restaurant. "Reno! How did you get the money to go there? Do you know how expensive that place is?!"

Reno smirked. "I'm a Turk, Tifa. I have my ways."

"The goldenberries?" Tifa attempted, only receiving a chuckle and a shake of Reno's head.

"Nope. We're not allowed to sell 'em." Reno replied, grabbing her by the hand and leading her outside to his newly polished black vugatti beyron that made Cloud cringe. But not before sneakily sliding a branch of the Gil tree into his pocket.

"Reno, don't you need your suit?" Cloud heard Tifa ask.

"Uh...Maybe. Gimme one sec. Heh."

Cloud smirked as Marlene gave him a thumbs up from the middle of the staircase.

_I hope those French bastards like __vêtements mouillés_ _as much as he does._

_vêtements mouillés means wet clothes, in case you're wondering._

Please review and let me know how this chapter went-I love hearing your opinions! :D Thanks for reading!


	11. Reno, Tifa and the Second Opinion

**Reno, Tifa and the Second Opinion**

"You aren't so good in bed either!"

Reno had been teasing his girlfriend's sexual ability, but she had taken him seriously. And now, the infuriated bartender stormed out of his apartment in a huff, leaving her redheaded boyfriend standing with an unmovable smirk on his face.

"Let's see about that, shall we?" Reno murmured, heading towards his PHS.

_______________________________

Once Elena was finally out of his apartment, Reno answered his PHS which had been ringing for the past 5 minutes.

"Hello, you've reached happy ol' Reno! What can I-" He began, only to be interrupted by Tifa's murderous voice.

"Why did Elena just leave your apartment, looking like she just got clawed by a wolf?"

Reno chuckled and looked out the front window at the peeping brunette. "I needed a second opinion. How come you look the same?"

There was a silence, until eventually, there was a click coming from Tifa's line. And Tifa was no where in sight.

Reno opened the front door and yelled after her, "See you tomorrow then?"


	12. Reno, Marlene, Denzel and the Adoption

**Reno, Marlene, Denzel and the Adoption**

Snoring. Uncle Reno seemed to like doing that.

"Marlene, whipped cream?" Denzel asked, extending his arm expectantly. The can soon entered his grasp.

"Denzel, you're gonna get into lots of trouble if Tifa catches you!" Marlene warned the young boy, who unfortunately was paying no attention to her.

The foamy cream soon covered Reno's face-his eyebrows were now white, and he had a nice looking moustache to match.

"Denzel!" Marlene snapped, whisking the can back off him and shoving it in the fridge.

The brunette boy frowned at her. "Since when were you such a scaredy cat? And why'd you give me the can in the first place, if you were so worried?"

She continued to appear nervous. "Last time we played a prank on Reno, Tifa found out, and we got banned from T.V for two whole weeks! Do you know how many episodes of "Choco Buisness" we missed!?"

The boy shrugged. "It was worth it."

Before Marlene had a chance to reply, their sleepy babysitter began to stir, and soon enough, he was licking his lips thoughtfully.

"Sweet...Creamy texture...Mixed with...peanut butter?" Reno's aquamarine eyes flashed open and stared at his target-Denzel. "What the hell did you do!?"

Denzel gulped hard, turning to face Marlene for help. He knew that know-it-all grin wasn't going to do any good any time soon, so he resorted to the first thing that popped into his mind.

A nice, white, childish lie that didn't explain why he put whipped cream on Reno's face any more than it helped his case.

"We're adopting a turtle?"

Marlene burst into laughter, until she realised that his lie could lead somewhere. "Uh, yeah! Isn't it great!?"

Reno blinked a few times, unsure whether to trust his gullible instincts or to shove the cream into their tiny little faces.

"You're adopting a turtle. What. The-"

"Hell?" Denzel suggested, handing a tissue towards his cream faced uncle in an attempt to look innocent.

Reno scowled, though nonetheless took the tissue from his nephew. "When's it coming?"

"Well," Marlene began, shooting a quick side glance at Denzel, "We were actually hoping _you'd_ get it for us."

He snorted. "And what makes you think I'd do that, kid?"

The girl's mischievous grin reminded him of himself, though not in a good way. He could tell there would be much suffering today.

"Because," She replied sweetly, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

Trust kids to finish off each other's sentences. "If you don't, we'll tell Tifa that while you were sleeping, I accidentally fell down the stairs."

"And I doubt Tifa would believe you if you said we were blackmailing you." Marlene added, giving her partner in crime an enthusiastic high-five.

Reno had the urge to swear at them, but he knew that not even Cid would do that. "You little brats!"

Marlene shed a fake tear, surprising Reno with her excellent acting skills. "P-please get us a turtle, Uncle Re...I...I want a turtle!"

Denzel patted her on the shoulder whilst shaking his head in disappointment at Reno, angering him all the more.

"You're not a very nice Uncle, you know."

Before succumbing to their evil tricks and heading for the phone, Reno gave them both death stares that he had in store for Strife.

It only made Marlene cry more, and made Denzel shake his head even stronger. "Tut-tut."

"Hello? Yeah, that's right. Gimme a freakin' turtle. "Reno ordered into the phone. "F*** you, I aint going to your stupid pet store! Do ya want a customer or not!? Yeah? Yeah. Uh, address? Lemme see..."

The two kids giggled at their Uncle's stupidity before slumping down into the couch to watch an episode of their favourite show. Chocobos raced around the screen, their perky and humorous theme song lightening the mood of Seventh Heaven-but not Reno.

The irritated Turk slammed the phone down onto the bar counter and scowled, not nearly feeling happy enough to listen to such a chirrupy tune. "Shut the stupid thing up!"

Marlene turned to face him, wearing the fakest of her pouty faces. Reno resisted the urge to throw the phone at her and stormed upstairs, muttering curses as he did so.

______________________

"...Sherly-Sherly-Sherl! D'ya want a bath?"

"It's Sherlock, dumbo!"

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"RENO!!!"

Reno winced as he came closer to the end of the staircase. He'd fallen asleep again, but the stern sound of Tifa's voice had awoken him, and now it was his duty to settle this mess. Because obviously it wasn't just Tifa that had arrived.

As he entered the loungeroom, he was greeted by the sight of Marlene and Denzel fighting over a wrinkly shell, and Tifa looking ready to start a brawl.

"Reno, why the hell do Marlene and Denzel have a turtle in the house?" Tifa asked, leaving him feeling like he was being interrogated when she shoved him into a seat.

He wanted to kick the kid's asses, for getting him into all this trouble with the bartender with anger issues. "They blackmailed me into it!"

It was only after he said it that he realised how stupid it had sounded. "I mean..."

"No, just shut up." Tifa sighed, a little over-dramatically in Reno's opinion. "I can't believe you did that, when I specifically told you _no_ _animals in the bar_. I feel like I'm talking to a child!"

Reno knew better than to answer back when she was like this, so he just watched her pace back and forth as she contemplated how to deal with him.

"You know what, I don't think I want a child babysitting for my kids. Reno, you're fired."

He tried not to laugh. Fired? He didn't even remember being _hired_. And quite frankly, he was relieved. He'd only done the job because Tseng had wanted him out of the office and doing something useful, but now that he was 'fired', he could simply say that Tifa no longer required his services.

"Righto then, I'll be going..." Reno stood up and left, faking a depressed attitude as he did so.

Unfortunately for him, Tifa caught Marlene and Denzel giving each other a high-five. They could lie all they wanted, but she was smart enough to see right through them.

"You little liars!" Tifa gasped. "How_ dare_ you try and get Reno fired!"

Marlene looked up at her through innocent, crying eyes. "W-We're sorry, Tifa. Please..."

Tifa contemplated the situation. How could she give in to those gorgeous brown eyes, that were just _pleading_ to be helped?

_____________________

"And the cherry on top." Reno placed the juiciest, ripest cherry he had right on top of his mouth-watering ice-cream sundae, when...

The phone rang.

"Nngh...Reno here, what can I-"

Tifa.

"Great news, Reno! There was a bit of a misunderstanding, but it's all settled now. You're hired! And to make it up to you, I'm giving you double the work, so you'll get to spend even longer with my little angels!"

_What the hell kinda lie did those Sephiroth clones tell her this time?_


	13. Reno, Sephiroth and the Hair Dye

**Reno, Sephiroth and the Hair Dye**

Oh man, these chapters are getting more and more bizarre. I hope it doesn't bother you readers! Please let me know if it's getting too...stupid xD

Thanks! Enjoy!

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Somewhere out there, Reno knew that Sephiroth was alive. Being killed by Cloud twice wasn't enough. No, Sephiroth could never _truly _die until he had felt the almighty force of Reno of the Turks. It would be overwhelming, overpowering. Poor little Sephy would have never experienced anything quite so breathtaking in his whole meaningless existence.

Now, it was up to Reno to find him.

__________________________

"Hey Tif', you know people." Reno said as he walked casually up to the busy bartender.

Tifa glared daggers at him. "Your point?"

"Seen Sephiroth lately?"

Tifa's face eased into a cheerful, carefree expression. "Oh yeah, he's upstairs sleeping. He pays a lot to sleep here, y'know."

Reno chuckled. "Doesn't it bother you that the guy keeps getting reincarnated?"

Several passerbys became rather interested in their conversation, and before either of them could continue, a crowd of people swarmed around them.

Tifa just shrugged and began to wipe down the counter, as if not noticing them at all. "Not really."

Reno turned to look at the audience, feeling the overwhelming urge to snap at them. With a huff, he held it in and headed up the stairs, patting his pocket where a tiny vial was hidden.

As he was half expecting to see Sephiroth planting a bomb inside the pillow on Cloud's bed, he was slightly surprised to see the silver-haired man sleeping like a baby amongst the soft woolen blankets.

_Time to strike. _Reno leant over the sleeping figure, pulled out the vial and...

__________________________

"HOLY JENOVA!!! MY MANLINESS!!!"

The entire building shook and trembled under the mighty rage of Sephiroth. He beat at his chest, hurled bookshelves across the room, and threw a paper-shredder down the stairs, all while holding back an unstoppable horror from escaping through his flaming red eyes.

"WHAT FOOLISH MORTAL WILL PAY FOR THIS MURDEROUS DEED!?!?!?!" Sephiroth boomed, whilst tearing out hot pink chunks of his once beautiful silver locks. "I WILL CONSTRUCT AN ULTIMATE MASS MURDER UPON THIS FORSAKEN CITY UNTIL EVERY LAST INSOLENT BEING IS REMOVED FROM EXISTANCE AND I AM FINALLY DEAD!!! GAAARRGH!!! IF I WAS VINCENT, NOT EVEN CHAOS WOULD BE GREAT ENOUGH TO WITHSTAND MY IMPECCABLE RAGE!!!"

By the time Sephiroth had completed his cry of anguish, he was standing at street level upon a floor of rubble of which he was alone.

Then he saw his victim. A gleeful, shameless redhead was waving right at him, and he had small pink vial clutched inside his hand.

It couldn't be anyone else.

Sephiroth hurled towards the man, who was surprisingly quick on his feet. But with every step that he took, he felt himself grow weaker, and weaker, until finally, he didn't possess the strength to stand.

Sephiroth was fading away.

"You...accursed...monster..." Sephiroth wheezed. Reno leant over him, sticking his cocky little face right in his own and grinning. "Why...w...wh...oh."

Sephiroth was defeated for good.

Sephiroth-0

Reno and the pink hair dye-13809592

*Victory theme plays*

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ZOMG LAMENESS FTW! XD

Uhm...review? :)


	14. Reno, Zack and the Egg

**Reno, Zack and the Egg**

Yes, Reno's back. And this time, Zack, being the little sheep that he is (joking, people, joking...), has come to play ^^

Okay, if anyone has any ideas/characters you would like to see soon, please let me know in your review, and I'll write it for you xD

Thankies! :D

Playlist: Boom Boom Pow (Black Eyed Peas), So Human (Lady Sovereign), Supermassive Black Hole (Muse), Bad Influence (Pink), Fearless (Wes Carr). Because, well, you're _so_ interested in what I'm listening to :P

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It was huge. It was oval. It was white. It made a really weird noise.

"It's mine!"

A tangle of fingers attempted to snatch the egg from their opponent, only for a brawl to begin. Reno and Zack were on the freezing, snow covered ground, punching, kicking, and head-butting each other.

That was usually what happened when the Turks and Soldier's missions intertwined.

"Reno, cut it out." Elena snapped at the redhead, who was paying no attention to her. He was too busy trying to get his EMR out of his pocket without Zack electricuting him. "Reno! That dog isn't going to find itself!"

Yes, the Turks were looking for a dog. But it wasn't just any dog. It was Rufus' pet dog, Clodders. He'd accidentally lost him while on holiday at Icicle Inn. He wasn't bad at snowboarding either, but that was another matter.

A sigh of disgrace passed Elena's candy pink lips. Reno had just bitten Zack's hand. He couldn't get any lower than that, and for a _Turk_.

"Oh my God, Reno, I give up." Shaking her head of blonde hair, she walked away, leaving the two childish men to their fight.

Reno began to shiver. "Y-y'know, it's p-pretty c-cold down here."

Zack shivered right back, and they both felt pretty awkward, feeling each other shiver all over each other. "Y-yeah. Truce?"

"Truce."

Reno and Zack stood up slowly, eyeing each other as they did so. This battle wasn't over.

Instantaneously, they both dived into the sand, hands reaching for the egg. Neither of them got it, instead, they were hand on hand.

"Reno," Tseng had arrived. "Zack, save the fondling for later, alright?"

With that, Tseng reached down and heaved the egg from their stunned grasp. Neither of them moved, save for their hands, which fell limply into the snow.

"Or," Tseng added, a smirk playing on the corner of his lips, "If you can't wait, go over to Icicle Inn. Elena, Rude and I can handle this."

Reno nor Zack had ever looked so red, especially considering they were lying in the freezing snow.

Finally, they stood up, brushed themselves off, and gave each other death stares.

"Tseng," Reno muttered, his eyes not leaving Zack's, "I found that egg. Can I have it?"

"Tseng." Rude's voice could be heard through Tseng's reciever. "It's in the egg."

The raven haired Wutain's smirk grew wider. "Of course, Reno. Just as soon as we break it open."

Reno and Zack gawked, their gazes shifting towards Tseng and the egg.

"NO!" They yelled in unison, pushing Tseng hard enough for him to fall over, dropping the egg.

Helpless, the three of them watched the newly formed crack in the egg widen. And widen. And widen some more. And then finally break open, to reveal a small husky puppy, wearing a red collar with a folded note connected to it.

Reno had said it before, but now he was sure of it. Rufus was an A class idiot. Buying a husky and taking it to _Midgar_? How could anyone be so _thick_? Maybe fame and fortune had got the better of him.

Oh, and then he questioned why a dog was hiding inside an egg.

Rude and Elena ran up to the three shocked men, scowling.

Elena was the one who spoke up. "Rufus set us up. Us, _Turks_! Can you believe it!?"

Tseng had never looked so ashamed. "Zack, please leave. And Elena, please shut up. You're making us look bad in front of Soldier."

Elena blushed and Zack grinned.

"Sure, I've heard enough!" He ran away, laughing hysterically. The Turks were doomed.

"Elena!" Reno yelled. "I'm gonna murder you!"

"No, you haven't heard it all!" Elena shrieked, her anger brewing. "He was bored, so he put us on this mission, watching the whole thing, just to get a laugh out of it! But he got tired of watching us run around in the snow uselessly, so he told Rude."

The husky puppy wagged its tail, its tongue lolling out happily. "Woof!"

"Shut up, you fat tool!" Reno snapped, threatening the creature with his EMR until it ran away, its weak legs failing it to the point that it fell into the ocean thousands of metres below.

This time, Elena hit her forehead against Rude's firm shoulder. "You. Freaking. Idiot."

Reno blinked. "Huh?"

Elena continued to hit her head. "That dog had our paycheck on it. And that was a freakload lot of Gil!"

Rude groaned. "You don't think we'd get nothing, did you?"

Before Reno could reply, Tseng began to hyperventilate. And then he started to run. And then he jumped over the edge of the snowy cliff, howling.

This had been one whacked up day.

Reno blinked again, not sure whether to believe what he'd just witnessed.

"I don't get it. Rufus coulda just written us another check."

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Remember, drop me an idea or two ^^

Thanks for reading xD


	15. Reno, Rude and the Mouldy Sausage

**Reno, Rude and the Mouldy Sausage**

Mmm...Sounds tasty, riiight? ;D

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Work was never interesting unless Reno came in with something new and flashy to show them. Today was a case like this, only Reno wasn't showcasing anything new and flashy. Rather, old and smelly.

"Heya Rude! Like it?" Reno shoved a big, fat, mouldy sausage right into his bald partner's mortified face. Yeah, I know you do."

"I think I'm gonna be sick!" Elena squealed from somewhere in the room.

The stench of meat that expired two months ago filled the air, smelling nothing short of a rotting carcass.

"Well then, I dare ya to eat it!" Reno said to the green-faced Rude.

"Darers...go first." Rude mumbled, covering his nose and mouth with his arm.

A shameless glint flashed in Reno's eyes, and Rude knew there was going to be no escape. "Darers...day off."

Rude scanned his mind for any other sayings that went with it, but couldn't find any. And although he felt guilty, Rude ran. He ran out of the room.

Sadly, the mouldy sausage fell down the back of his shirt.

"Sucked in!" Reno cackled madly, cackling so hard that he almost fell onto the ground until he realised that he was supposed to be watching the hilarious scene.

It was definitely hilarious. Employees were crowding around the sqwirming Rude. He was reaching down his back, looking like he was performing some kind of new dance.

Unfortunately, Rufus happened to be standing nearby when Rude finally flung the sausage out of his shirt.

Naturally, it hit him dead center of his face.

Slowly and surely, Rufus peeled the squishy sausage from his face and squeezed it tightly in his grasp.

"Rude. In two point six moments, this sausage will be you. And I don't mean theoretically."

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xDD I wrote that in like, ten minutes!! :P Oh man.


	16. Reno, Barret and the Piano

**Reno, Barret and the Piano**

Reno and Barret didn't get along very well. Partly because of the fact that Barret hated anything to do with Shinra, but mostly because they had nothing in common.

Especially when it came to music.

And when Reno went into Barret's house without him realising, to pick up the keys that Tifa had left earlier, he found something unimaginable.

He found Barret playing the piano.

He found Barret playing _Aerith's Theme_ on the piano.

He choked on the chocolate bar he was eating.

Slowly and on tiptoes, Reno crept over to the room where the sound was coming from. Praying to Shiva that it wasn't really the tough, fierce gunman he knew, he peered inside and...

Got caught. And by Barret.

"Hey, the hell ya doin' in here!?"

Coughing up the chocolate that was stuck in his throat, Reno finally managed to reply. "Came to get Tifa's keys...uh...mind if I watch?"

Barret's furious expression eased away instantly. "Yeah, bet ya think I'm some f***ed up sissy, but you...just..." He trailed off, giving Reno the chance to step inside.

It was a small, empty room, apart from the old, worn out piano in the far corner. The paint was a fresh cream, and it looked as if it had been painted recently. Obviously Barret was becoming more and more...'womanly', by the day.

After Barret had finished playing the song, he turned to face Reno. "So?"

Reno, at the time, was still in a state of shock. They really did have nothing in common-not even the fact that they were males, because, well, after seeing something so traumatizing, he could never be sure about Barret's true gender anymore.

"Uh...Wanna blow it up?" Reno offered, a weak smile showing on his face.

Barret grinned, and slowly revealed a small bomb from behind the piano. "Ha. Was waitin' for ya to ask me that."

Who knew. They really _did _have something in common.

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Ohmygosh wth??? xD I just had to be ironic. Barret, the piano playing princess...but deep down, he'll always be that tough brute that loves to blow stuff up...Just like Reno! (Err, minus the tough bruteness, o' course :P)


	17. Reno, Rude, Elena and the Keyboard

Yes, it's very short. Excuse that xP

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The instant Rude's fingers touched his computer keyboard, Reno sprung into action.

"Hey you two. What do ya get when you cross a keyboard with a dinosaur?"

Rude didn't bother moving his fingers while he stared blankly at Reno's devious grin, sensing that something was up.

Elena peered over her stack of paperwork and frowned. "You told us that lame joke before-it's a Qwertysaurus. You suck, Reno."

Reno's grin only widened. "I _did_? How about this one-What do you get when you cross a keyboard with super-super glue?"

Rude felt his stomach churn as he realised what Reno had done.

"No more Rude finger."

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Laame stupid-ness :3

Then again, what did you expect? ;)


	18. Reno, Rufus, Tseng and the Sound

This randomly came into mind and now I can't stop doing it to people! It's too much fun xDD

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Reno, Rufus and Tseng were in the middle of an important meeting, and Reno felt ready to jump out the window because he was _that bored_.

He decided against suicidal tactics and chose to annoy his colleague and boss instead. Because, well, it was that much more fun.

"Shh!" He whispered suddenly. The two men turned to look at him, wearing curious and stunned expressions. "Do you hear that?"

Rufus and Tseng looked at each other and listened intently, trying to hear something-_anything_ at all.

Rufus Shinra gave Reno a quizzical frown. "Hear what, Reno?"

"SHH!" Reno snapped in the softest voice possible. "_That_."

The men craned their heads towards the window, blissfully unaware as to what Reno was playing at. Tseng huffed.

"I think...I think I do hear something."

Reno grinned devilishly and leaned in close, supressing a laugh as Rufus and Tseng followed suit.

"That," Reno said, "Is the sound of silence."

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xDD Try it, I dare ya! It's hilarious :F


	19. Reno, Kadaj and the Flight Attendant

Heard this one joke at school...Had to use it...My, these chapters are getting shorter and shorter O__o

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Reno had a super-secret-important mission-to fly to Reno, Nevada and pick up some freshly made hot dogs, because according to Cloud Strife, they made the universe's best.

He had been sitting in the first class seat of his plane for a mere two minutes before a familiar figure settled down next to him.

_Silver hair...Villanous green eyes...Dorky smile of a two-year old...Holy hell, that must be Kadaj!_ Reno realised, immediately straightening his non-existant tie and sitting up as straight as possible to impress the younger, supposedly dead lifeform.

"Kadaj, how's life as a dead guy goin' for ya?" He asked, trying to strike up a conversation.

Kadaj turned to face him and grinned stupidly. "It's wonderful, fantastical! I'm as happy as a golden gaytime! La-la-la..."

Reno froze, his face melding into an expression of horror. Something had obviously happened to the guy, something very severe...

"Cagh-ugh. Great. How's Loz and Yazoo?" He tried again.

Kadaj giggled like a schoolgirl and clapped his hands together joviously. "Why don't you ask them yourself? Ohh sisters! Come out, come out, where ever you aaare..."

Two silver haired 'men' skipped down the thin aisle towards them, and to Reno's shock, were wearing the outfit of a female flight attendant, with matching berets situated on their heads-Yazoo had his hair in a 'wanna-be-Reno' ponytail.

"Greetings, Reno of the Turds! How excruciatingly enthralled we are to meet you again."

He heard Loz sniff. "I-I've really missed you, Reno...W-WHY!? Why did you leave me..."

If Reno wasn't trapped in his seat, he would have backed far away enough to be in Reno, Nevada already. Instead he tried to suppress a shriek of terror. Nothing, not even Bahamut Sin, had terrified him to this extent.

Then, his lifesaver came. A hot looking woman who appeared to be in her early twenties softly shooed the weeping men away.

"Would you like some?" She asked politely, fluttering her long eyelashes at the redhead.

Reno's grin spread over his face like lightning. "Oh yeah."

She offered him a pack of headphones. "No, I meant, would you like some headphones?"

Reno stifled a loud laugh. "Sure. But how'd you know my name was Phones?"

The woman turned a deep shade of red before rushing far away from him, and closer towards the bawling Loz.

Reno just had to do that, during every flight. Though he didn't quite understand why he never got banned from airports...

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xDD Rofl. How terrible.

Reviews are epic, they will rule the world someday.


	20. Reno, Ame and the Ice Cream Truck

This chapter is dedicated to NightxBlossom-Ame is her own character, so not only do I not own Final Fantasy or any of its characters, I don't own the 14 year old Ame either x3 But you should go check out her KH fic "After the Rain". It's really good ^_^

Enjoy!

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"Hullo there my people." A heavily intoxicated Reno cheered, waving giddily at the crowd of people in the bar as he stood high on a table. His arm was around a young girl who looked to be about 15, who also appeared drunk and unsteady. She was giggling uncontrollably, and for no reason at all.

"You know," Reno began, squatting down so that he was at eye level with the blonde haired girl, "You and I make one hell of a team. Oh look, a flying banana! Whee!"

Reno began to swat the air around him, bouncing up and down on the spot. Anyone who didn't know him would say without a doubt that he was on drugs.

The brown eyed Ame stumbled somewhat after trying incredibly hard to see what Reno saw, barely missing the ground as she teetered off the edge of the table. "Woah."

With a huff, the redheaded Turk crossed his arms and resigned from his butterfly catching fiasco. After letting several plates crash to the floor and a fancy mantelpiece (which he thought was an incredibly stupid place to put something so expensive looking-a bar, honestly) shatter across a poor old man's head, Reno decided to take a swig of a random's beer mug. Reluctantly, Ame took the filled to the brim mug that he had offered her. She was so smashed now that she didn't even stop to think how furious Cid* would be when she got home.

After what felt like half an hour but was a mere minute, Reno stared at Ame in a way that was practically screaming "I want you". Despite her level of heavy intoxication, Ame still had the slightest amount of common-sense left in her to know what that look meant.

She didn't have enough common-sense to refuse him, though.

"Amy...You look so much like a friend of mine, you know..." Reno tucked back Ame's short cropped hair behind her ears, only for it to fall back into place instantly. Ame frowned, and within instants, appeared to be holding back tears.

"It's b-been...A whole two hours or so...a-and you don't re-remember my n-name? I hate you Beano!" Ame began to pound Reno across the chest, but as weak as she was now, Reno felt nothing more than a slight tickling sensation.

Oddly, Reno seemed at peace. He gave Ame a look that was changing every second. His "I want you" look had transformed into a "I send you love and peace, let's all be family" kind of godly look.

"Elena, let us pray to these good people." He opened his arms in the direction of the smoking, bashed up, mostly middle aged hobos that were swearing fluently at each other and cracking beer glasses across each other's head.

"These good, kind people..."

Ame's frown morphed into a cheerful smile. "Yeah, let's do it, Keno!"

Reno cleared his throat, grabbed a nearby glass, and threw it to the ground. It certainly attracted the people's attention.

"My people. I would like to send a prayer to...down there. Or is it _up_ there...Whatever. Ahem. Dear Shivan, Odan, or whatever your name is. I would like to thank thy holiness for sending our savior to the Planet. The one and only, mighty Beer. It leaves us feeling happy, angry, funny and stupid, depending on the mood thy are feeling. We pray with thy hearts that you will continue to send us rainclouds of alcohol, but at the same time, protect your loyal, loving people against all the effects of hangovers and their consequences. If we ask thy Great One for assistance and protection against thy evil spirit that is Beer, then we know that thy will take action and remove thy sins from our sexy temples of justice and love and peace and hot se-"

"AMEN!" Ame bellowed, showering the crowd of confused people with a newly obtained keg of beer. But not just any beer-the one and only, hated beer in existance.

The crowd of people sunk to the ground, dead, and that was that.

Ame, also known as Amy and Elena, had just found the greatest weapon of all time. Light Beer.

And then an ice-cream truck flew through the window and killed them all.

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*In "After the Rain", Cid is Ame's father. In case you were wondering.

Haha. That was pretty bad...And that ending was also directed at NightxBlossom ;DD

Anyways, will you send me your "Review of Love and Peace and hot...Yeah."? -cough-

x3 Thanks for reading! (and reviewing-Grr.)


	21. Reno, Paine and the Alarm Clocks

Ohkay, this has turned into a crossover story xD Oh, and I don't own Final Fantasy X-2 or any of its characters :3

Beware, Reno swears once, at the very end ;D

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April Fool's Day and a new girl equalled good, clean fun for Reno.

Unfortunately, he had no clue how capable this new girl was.

This new girl, who happened to _hate_ alarm clocks screaming early in the morning. Especially 12 of them.

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Paine turned on her side, deep in her sleep. Dreams clouded her mind, unnaturally cheerful, considering the horrible day that was beginning to dawn. April Fool's Day. It hated her as much as she hated it.

Two minutes later, the dreaded ringing began to pierce through her ears, signalling the fact that it was 5 am. Every ten seconds, another tune would sound, louder than the first, until Paine could no longer ignore the irritation.

Alarm clock after alarm clock, she threw them at the wall, swearing and cursing to herself as she dug through her wardrobe to find an alarm clock that ended up being buried under layers of her underwear.

Ten minutes later, she was fully satisfied that all the clocks had been silenced. Her mind, however, had not been.

Whoever did this was going to pay dearly.

And she was sure that there was only one person she had met who would ever consider pulling off a prank like this.

The guy who'd been going on about April Fool's Day since the moment she met him. Yesterday.

_______________________

Paine had never liked guys that were up themselves and full of patronizing comments. But in this case, she was thankful that he had told her where he lived. She just hoped that at 5:30 in the morning, he'd be fast asleep.

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Reno's apartment was as messy as it was tiny, which was never good. Rubbish littered the floor in piles that reminded her of termite mounds-and most of them were empty beer cans. In fact, she was surprised to see no blood-cuts seemed inevitable in a place like this. He'd probably made up a map of the house, and was now used to the routes. That must've been it. Paine had to tread carefully to find the bathroom.

When she'd finally emerged without a single scrape, Paine peered around the cluttered bathroom, past the countless pill packets and, oddly, the fluffy pink towel hung up, until she found a small bottle of shampoo.

Grinning mischievously, Paine took the bottle of silver hair dye from her pocket. She knew how much long, red-haired men loved their hair.

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"La-la-la-la...La-la..." Reno wrapped his fluffy pink towel around his lanky body and exited his small shower. As usual, he dried himself and headed straight for his best friend-the mirror.

Only this time, his best friend was his worst enemy.

"Holy mother of shit faced Sephiroth's!!!"

The mirror cracked.

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Hope you enjoyed! ^_^ No more updates for a week or two. Camping tomorrow ;P


	22. Reno, Tseng and the Yaoi Story

**Reno, Tseng and the Yaoi Story**

Elena was in a bad mood today. It obviously wasn't the usual, "Reno sucks" kind of attitude she brought to work everyday, because not once had Reno found his newly bought pens mysteriously out of ink, nor had he wound up with a cold coffee.

Today she was completely ignoring his presence. Which he normally wouldn't have minded, if it weren't for the fact that he was planning on sweet-talking her into taking him to a concert in two days time. She'd won tickets from some online competition, and it _just happened_ to be his favourite band, "Dead Roadkill".

But he wasn't worried. He was already working on something that he knew would cheer her right up. A Rufus/Tseng yaoi story, written with pen to celebrate the fact that they actually worked, for once.

He'd just gotten up to the part where Rufus was offering Tseng a very high pay rise in exchange for a quick headjob, when the office door opened.

Like lightning, Reno covered his page with the first sheet of paper he could get his hands on.

"I assume you've finished that paperwork, Reno? It _was _due over an hour ago, as you should know." Tseng's tone implied that Reno was finished no matter how much he had done-it wasn't a question.

Reno looked up to see Tseng staring down at his paper. He didn't dare look down also, because doing so would make him appear unsure of himself.

"Hey look it's Scarlet!" Reno exclaimed.

Of course, Tseng swirled around, fearing that Reno was telling the truth. Scarlet's latest obsession over the raven haired Turk had left him paranoid. "What, where!?"

Reno quickly found his paperwork and scribbled in a few lines as Tseng scanned the office, looking as if he was being chased by a rabid wolf.

"Oh, she's gone. Here's the paperwork!" Reno let his tone drift into a cheerful one, making Tseng all the more suspicious of him.

Eyeing Reno, Tseng took the paper from his grasp and skimmed it, looking half-satisfied.

"Alright. You're free to leave." Tseng said, walking tensely towards the doorway, as if in fear. "Just as soon as you tell Rufus that I also want a new office."

For a moment, Reno stared blankly at the now closed door, wondering what the hell the man was on about.

He gave up and went back to finishing his yaoi. It was then he realised what Tseng meant.

"This better be the best goddamn Rufus/Tseng yaoi of Elena's life." Reno muttered to himself.

A few minutes later, Reno heard a shout come from down the hallway-Tseng, naturally.

"Reno, where the hell did my gourmet gelato go!?"

Reno swivelled around in his chair just in time to see a wisp of blonde hair disappear from the office. Looking down in horror, he saw the long trail of green on the new white carpet head from the door to his...bin.

And inside was a half eaten gelato.

"Fuck you, Elena." Reno muttered, staring grimly at the stained, pearl white carpet.

Of course. It wasn't like Elena to be in a bad mood, anyway.

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Sorry for the lack of updates . Hope that was okay!


	23. Reno, Vincent and the Mighty Fenrir

Argh! I'm so angry with myself . It's been 3 months since my last update...How lazy can I get? D:

I've had really massive writer's block for no apparent reason (It's like a disease), so forgive me if this chapter lacks true humour c:

Also, Kanae, if you're reading this by some crazy chance, I'm so sorry that I never got to reply to your review . Thanks heaps for that ^.^ This chapter is dedicated to you.

Enjoy! ^.^

* * *

This New Year was going to be big. So big, in fact, that Reno had decided to celebrate in a fashion that didn't involve lying smashed on his couch in his apartment, or lying on top of a hired hooker. He had decided to visit Seventh Heaven for a chance at getting with his favourite brunette bartender.

At 11pm, Reno was situated at stage 3. 65% drunk, half topless. And by half topless, that meant he had removed his white-now-cream shirt and wrapped it around his shoulders.

Reno had been shouting countless bribes at Tifa for the past hour now-money bribes to try and get her into bed with him. He was at the price of 12500 Gil, when Tifa, who had been trying her hardest to ignore the drunken Turk, finally snapped.

"Look-I don't care if you put a knife to Cloud's throat; I am NOT going to sleep with you! Get it into that thick head of yours, idiot!"

Reno feigned a wince when she thrust her kitchen knife into the wooden bar surface he was leaning on.

"Oh, aren't _you_ scary." He glared into the woman's brown eyes for a moment, soon easing back as he realised she wasn't giving in. "Alright then sweetheart, bring out the Blondie!"

Before Tifa had a chance to retort, the front door burst open along with the ear piercing sound of firecrackers being released. A mortifying presence silenced the room.

A soaking wet figure emerged from the darkness, and the moment he was identified as Vincent, the innocent people watched in horror as he death stared the entire bar.

30 seconds passed in what felt like hours. And finally, through the rising tension, the cloaked figure spoke.

"...I want a Mighty Fenrir on the house."

Everyone's voices combined to create one loud gasp of disbelief. A 'Mighty Fenrir', as Tifa had named it, was the most potent alcoholic beverage known in all of Midgar. One sip could force a man to collapse. Not even the most daring would dream of consuming such a poison. One would wonder why it even existed.

After a moment of staring in awe, Tifa swallowed. "W-what's the occasion?"

If it was even possible, Vincent's eyes darkened.

"I just got dumped.'

The bar became even more silent than before-except for the one death wish-Reno's snicker. In one swift movement, Vincent had his gun pressed against Reno's shoulder.

"Is there something funny about my loss?" He murmured, so quietly that if it weren't for his deep tone, Reno wouldn't have even heard him.

"Yeah." He didn't flinch as he felt the tip of the gun press deeper into his shoulder. "I mean, Vincent getting dumped!? Come on, that's comedy channel _gold_!"

Vincent pulled the trigger, and if it weren't for Tifa's fast reflexes, the bullet would have already been fired. She emptied the contents of a nearby glass of water onto Vincent, as if he wasn't wet enough already.

"That's enough! You have my permission to shoot him, but not here. I don't want you to cause a scene in my shop-think of the publicity! Ugh, that's suicidal..." Tifa shook her head in disgrace. "Just go kill each other at the park. The people there wouldn't know the difference between a gunshot and a firework."

Vincent lowered his weapon and took a seat, his face clouding over with depression. "Just give me the Mighty Fenrir."

Slowly, the excitement died down and the people gathered the nerve to speak again, though this time far more quietly. They didn't dare gossip about what had just occurred.

Reno looked the drenched Vincent up and down, an amused grin plastered on his face. "I take it Yuffie thought you were a little too stiff in the bedroom? There's no rain out-"

Lowering his head onto the bar counter, Vincent muttered in reply, "Shut up, for the love of whatever fake crap you believe in."

Tifa hesitantly placed the Mighty Fenrir next to Vincent's resting head. "Don't do this to yourself, Vincent. You have so many people that can help-"

"You too, spoilt slut..." Vincent mumbled a few inconceivable words. "...Nn...Cloud...stupid...gr..."

She shook her head sadly and walked away. "It's not my fault that I'm a guy magnet..."

Vincent downed half the mug within a few seconds, scaring even Reno. Instantly he swayed uncertainly, and moments before collapsing from his stool, Reno held him up.

"You idiot." The redhead mumbled, shaking his head in disappointment. "I never really liked you, but it's a shame to see you waste away over a wacked up Princess."

Reno had been hoping that his insult to Yuffie would awaken Vincent from his hazy state, but if anything it had just made it worse. He was practically pulling himself to the ground, as if he thought it was some cosy mattress.

"Dammit." Reno muttered as the raven-haired man fell to the floor. He looked around, searching for something that could aid him in his new quest-his quest to make Vincent vomit up all that alcohol.

He groaned in realising what could help him- tearing off the shirt from his shoulders and forcing it down Vincent's throat. Well, it succeeded.

Vincent moaned in pain, tossing and turning on the cold tiles. "Stupid...argh."

After about 20 minutes, he stood up, though quite out of balance. Reno, who was now completely topless and even more drunk than before, slapped him on the back, nearly making him throw up again.

"Good goin' man. Now for brownie points, and just to make my day-uh, night...thing...Go fuck that blonde over there." Reno vaguely pointed in Tifa's direction.

"Who...nngh..." Vincent narrowed his eyes in the direction that he had pointed. "...Cloud?"

Reno's eyes widened, and he turned back towards the 'blonde'. He narrowed his eyes until he realised that it was indeed, Cloud. "Ohh...Right. Well, that's not stoppin' ya! A blonde's a blonde!"

Vincent clutched his stomach suddenly. "Ugh...I think I'm gonna...no...no, no..." And with that, he bolted for the door, his eyes closed tightly in pain.

Reno sheepishly turned towards this dismal face of Cloud. "So, whadd'ya say? Up for it?"

* * *

x3! Finally, it's finished. Please drop a review and let me know how it went! :DD


	24. Reno, Yuffie and the Obsession

Another update :DD I'm feeling generous (which I should do after not updating in 3 months ~_~).

* * *

Elena twiddled her fingers for the fiftieth time that morning. She was panicking. Herself, Rude, Tseng and even Rufus had tried to call Reno for five days straight, as he was missing for work. Elena got so hysterical at one point that she forced Rude into raiding Reno's apartment-and he wasn't home.

She wouldn't have been surprised if he'd found himself in a mid-life crisis and committed suicide-she was reading an interesting novel all about a man in a mid-life crisis, and many of the symptoms seemed to apply to Reno-binge drinking, yaoi writing, work hating, strip clubbing, co-worker dating...

"Elena, stop!" Tseng ordered, exasperated. They'd both stayed at work overnight trying to contact Reno, and in the end had ordered a search party. "It's only been a week...A long, tiring week..."

Tseng had really aimed that last statement at Scarlet. Ever since Reno had disappeared, she'd been homing in on him like a cat in heat. Well, more than she had been before. She now fit into the 'crazed, obsessed stalker' category (Tseng once went into his bedroom to discover the blonde nutcase lying on his bed in black lingerie).

Elena swallowed back tears. "Y-yes, I know, but...It's just so hard! I need comforting, but there's no one...I feel so alone, ever since my close second cousin died last month..."

After performing her pity trap, she looked up eagerly at him to see his response.

He frowned sternly. "You don't have a second cousin, and no, I am not making love to you. Get it out of your head. Honestly, what's with all you ShinRa women lately...Even the janitor makes puppy noises when I walk past her."

Elena huffed and went back to her office.

* * *

"Oh, I _know_! Cutest movie ever! Tommy Springs was so gorgeous in it..." Tifa giggled as she and Aerith walked down the main street.

"Yes yes, but Shirley Coffs...whew!" Aerith gave her friend her cutest smile. "She's Yuffie's favourite."

A frown formed across Tifa's pale face. "Speaking of Yuffie, where is that girl? It's been ages since we've seen-"

"Dps the fricking mage first, stupidarse! How the hell many times do I have to say it!? Ninjacocks is a total noob, who doesn't know the difference between a night elf and a blood elf, okay?!"

The voice that emerged from the nearby internet cafe definitely belonged to Yuffie.

"Which is why we should smash-_Hey_! Stop pulling aggro, noob! _I'm_ the warrior, _me_!"

And that was definitely Reno's voice.

"Don't make me pull the plug!" Yuffie screamed.

Tifa and Aerith peeked around the open door of the internet cafe and burst into laughter. Reno and Yuffie-both looking completely sleep deprived, were fighting over the computer mouse, right next to a game of World of Warcraft.

"Aw, freakin' crap! Look what you did, you made the computer run outta time! Now I have to pay another 5 whole Gil! You suck! Go join Arwister's noob guild!"

Aerith and Tifa exchanged glances. "Wow. Who knew-Reno and Yuffie, computer geeks."

* * *

Tseng and Elena made love in Scarlet's office.

Scarlet screamed and ran.

Elena screamed and ran.

Tseng laughed and sipped his coffee.

"A job well done."

* * *

I can say it now-I do not own World of Warcraft xDD


	25. Reno, Elena and the Christmas Presents

This is my little late-Christmas-gift to you all ^.^ I'm getting back into a writing mood now that my writer's block has passed :3 Enjoy!

* * *

_Ding-dong!_

The oh-so-cliché sound of the doorbell signalled for Reno to hide behind a nearby bush. Almost instantly, Elena opened the door and looked around. Two minutes later, she was still looking dumbfound, so Reno cleared his throat.

She finally got the hint and looked down at the ground. A small, neatly wrapped present sat there, its bright red ribbon insisting for her to pick it up. She reached down for it, and...

It moved.

Frowning, she went to pick it up again, but of course, it continued to avoid her clumsy handwork.

In his bush, Reno snickered, feeling pretty proud of himself. Of course, it _was_ the oldest, lamest Christmas prank in history, but it still managed to work every time.

"Ow!"

A large, hard present fell to the snow-covered ground below. Rubbing his head, Reno spun around to see a second Elena standing with her hands on her hips, glaring at him.

"Why are you pranking my twin sister?" She demanded. Despite looking annoyed, there was a hint of amusement in her tone.

"You have a twin sister?" Another present proceeded to hit him in the face. "What was that for!? I just came to give you a present..."

She raised an eyebrow. "Oh, is that what that was. Looked more like you trying to hit on my ditz of a sister."

"Hm. Well, don't say you didn't give me the idea." A final present went flying his way. "Wow, thanks Lena! Three presents in one year! What'd I do, kill Mr Pres?"

Elena chuckled softly and scuffed her foot into a the ground. "Who says they're all for you?"

Reno's eyes darted left to right. He gathered the presents from the ground and bolted for the hills. "Me! Ahahahaha! Who won?! Me, I did!"

Elena rolled her eyes and muttered, "I didn't say they _weren't_ yours either, idiot."

Upon hearing the sound of her twin's giggling, Elena turned to face her. She was shaking the present with glee, and every few seconds, she held it to her ear and listened intently.

"...I think it's a cat. It sounds furry."

Elena resisted the urge to hit her head against the fencepost. '_Anyone would think she had a severe mental disease.'_

"How the hell can something sound _furry_?"

Her sister looked at her blandly and offered her the present. "You try."

With an inward groan, Elena took the present and shook it, holding it up to her ear. "Wow, it really does sound furry!"

She tore apart the wrapping paper and opened the blank box inside. She reached in and pulled out...a chocobo plushy with a Christmas hat on.

"Ooh!" Her sister squealed. "What a cuuute ducky!"

Elena ignored her sister's stupidity and smiled. It was the sweetest thing Reno had ever given her. In fact, she felt mildly guilty for what she had given Reno.

She double-checked to see if anything remained inside the box. There was-a note. It read 'turn me' on it. She obeyed it. Once again, it read 'turn me'. She turned it once more before disappointedly handing it to her sister.

* * *

Reno wore the same expression as that of a young child that had received a pair of socks from Santa Claus. Elena had given him a DIY Home cleaning kit, a 200 Gil gift voucher to Bookwormz, and a dustpan.

He spent the next hour on .

* * *

Yes, I know Elena's OC twin sister is not real. ;3


	26. Reno, Don Corneo and the Lingerie Store

c: Smexy.

* * *

Though it wasn't uncommon for a man to feel constantly watched while buying lingerie for his new girlfriend in a shop named 'Le Chica', Reno was certain that someone was lurking behind the racks of black underwear, ogling at his behind. He could just sense these things.

"Hello." A cracked, disturbingly familiar voice made Reno jump and turn 'round in fright.

The fat, dead man from his past was standing before him, gazing down longingly at his chest.

"Hey...Hah...It's the Don! W-who brought you back from the dead?" Reno shifted to one side awkwardly, noticing Don Corneo's beady and lustful eyes follow. He'd never felt more uneasy. Sure, guys had wanted him before, but none of them were dead, woman-hungry, man-hating freaks.

"Cait Sith."

Reno pinched himself. "Y-ya don't say...Hey, um, hold this for me." He squeamishly shoved a pair of black-laced gloves into the Don's outstretched ones. He sadly attempted to put them on, but failed, ripping them until they were a bundle on the tile floor below.

"What the hell do you want with me you psychopath!?" Reno shrieked, clinging to dear life on one of the shelves behind him.

"Your body."

Reno nearly collapsed. His worst nightmare was coming true-he was getting a high-pitched voice, something that only happened during the most severe cases of fear. Which never happened to Reno.

"I-I thought you liked chicks man!" He had no clue what to do next. Until he realised he was in a lingerie store. "Hey look at that sexy girl at the counter! S-she's wearing bunny ears!"

Don Corneo tore off his shirt and threw it to the ground. It was _not_ a pretty sight. "I like men now."

Reno could take no more. Stuffing several pieces of the most pricey lingerie he could find into his jacket, he bolted for the door...And tripped on the sidewalk.

* * *

Reno's eyes opened hazily. He was in bed.

_It was all just a nightmare. Thank you Shiva..._

With a satisfied smile, Reno rolled over to lie on his side.

And saw a huge, naked figure next to him.

* * *

Well, disturbing much? xD

I hope I didn't scare you all off... x3


	27. Reno, Scarlet and the Birthday Cake

The 23rd of September was a day no one important recognized as being Tseng's birthday. The Turks were the only ones that knew.

That day was today.

Elena brought Tseng a box of heart-shaped chocolates and hid them in his drawer. Unfortunately, by the time he'd discovered his present, it had melted into a pile of brown goo.

Rude gave him a pack of pens-a customary tradition between the bald man and his superior.

Reno organised for a giant birthday cake to roll into Tseng's office right after the lunch break was over. After the Turks droned out an out-of-tune version of 'happy birthday to you', the beautifully made buttercake began to tremble. The laced edges of the 5 storey cake began to shake, until finally, the top burst open and a blonde figure began to ascend.

Scarlet fluttered her long eyelashes and gazed directly into Tseng's eyes. He was frozen in horror. She was wearing nothing more than a white laced bra and...well, that was it. Her lower body was hidden in the depths of the cake that would torment his mind for many years to come.

"Happy birthday, Tseng." Her voice came out as a seductive breath.

Reno stifled back snorts of laughter as the rest of the Turks stood in what was probably the most uncomfortable silence of their entire lives. Then Tseng did something that no one saw coming.

He dived into the cake.

Elena's squeal was so high-pitched that Rude's sunglasses actually shattered, and he had to force her out of the room to get her to stop staring at the black clothes that were being thrown from the cake.

"Tsk tsk." Reno mumbled to himself, admiring the mess he had created. "I wonder what Boss Man will have to say about this..."

* * *

-Siiigh-...I feel like such a goof. What have I been writing!? Is it even remotely funny or is it just stupid? xDD


	28. Reno, Lightning and the Fangirls

Paradox 1347 gave me the 'fangirl/fanboy' concept, and also suggested using Lightning, from FFXIII as the supporting character of this chapter :3 Thankyew again~ And to all my readers, of course :DD You're all awesome ^-^

Oh, I have expressed some narrow minded views on fangirliness/fanboiness in this chapter (no offense of course, I am one .). Don't hate me! D:

By the way, I don't own any of the characters I mention :DD Except maybe my OC's P: WooP.

* * *

"Remind me why I'm at an anime convention again?" A puzzled Reno asked the tall woman who was dragging him by the arm.

"For the FIFTY-MILLIONTH TIME, I needed a sidekick!"

"Well SORREEH!" Reno pouted below his Mickey Mouse ears that Lightning had made him wear. "It's not my fault you drugged me! And since when was Mickey Mouse an anime character!?"

Lightning, who was dressed as her idol, Sakura Haruno, mentally kicked herself for choosing a guy based on his looks and not his brains. He was very cute-looking, but insanely annoying.

"I didn't drug you, I gave you a sleepy flower. There's a big difference, you know."

Reno grumbled. "Big difference my right-"

"OHMYGOSHILYSOMUCHPLSMARRYME!!!"

"GAH!" Reno jerked backwards as a pair of huge black glasses came flying for his face. Then he realised there was a 13 year old girl drooling over him. "I-I'm not who you think I am...See, if you take off the ears-"

"SQUEE!" A black haired girl, wearing a Tifa cosplay, glomped him after shoving the nerdy looking teen into a nearby manga shelf. "I, Tifa Lockhart, officially LOVE you Reno Kiribani! Yes, I even know your surname! It's no surprise though, I mean, I've been like, literally STALKING you for like, 2 whole years! And I've even got this really awesome-like tattoo of you on my ass, you know that photo where you're-oof!"

An older girl stood over the fallen Reno, who was clinging to dear life to the fallen mangas on the floor. She wore gothic clothes and heavy makeup, and was violently tugging at the Tifa fanatic's hair. This, of course, was revealed to be a wig.

"Ohmygosh this is like, totally the time where I'd do that crying emoticon, but I like, can't because-OW! YOU BITCH!" A slap followed.

Lightning watched from afar, howling with laughter. Maybe choosing Reno as her sidekick wasn't such a bad idea after all.

Reno scuttled backwards, causing someone to trip and fall on top of him.

"Haha, ow..." The figure winced and slowly rose.

Reno stared at the person. It was Zack, wearing a Cloud cosplay.

"Zack?" Reno gawked. "I had no idea."

"Yeeah...well." He scratched his dyed blonde porcupine hair. "Damn, you're even hotter with mouse ears. Can I just-"

"GAH!" Reno instinctively kicked his opponent in his most delicate area, sending him sprawling across the floor. "I HATE ANIME CONVENTIONS!"

"What was that for!?" Zack cried, literally. His eyes welled up with shimmering tears, and he ran for comfort in a nearby Aerith cosplayer's arms.

"...Touching my hair." Reno retorted, dealing a blank, disbelieving stare at the sight in front of him. He could have _sworn_ that Aerith cosplayer was a dude.

Lightning stepped to his side, wearing a pleased smirk. "Phase 1: Entering the building. Complete. Phase 2: Dodge the Star Wars wannabes and reach the stalls. Let's do this."

"B-but I thought it was an_ anime _convention!" Reno whimpered, accepting the hand that was being offered to him.

"It was," Lightning replied, "Until a Han Solo look-a-like busted in and turned all the guys gay using the Force."

"What the hell does that have anything to-"

"Shut up and walk."

Reno assumed his now customary 'let-thyself-be-dragged' position and went with the flow, despite being constantly prodded with fake lightsabers fixed with sticky-tape.

"NUU! Don't leave Reno; I haven't got your autograph yet!" One girl's exclamation lead to several hundred screeching fans following closely behind. But Reno didn't seem to notice them. He was too off-with-the-clouds at the moment to care.

"I'LL SAVE YOU! DA DA DA DUN!"

Without looking up, Reno felt himself get dragged in the opposite direction, singing innocently as a result of too many 'flowers'.

"Ohh, fifteen bottles of beer-on-the-wall, fifteen bottles of beer...You take one down, down la la down, something bottles of beer-on-the-wall...There's something in my shoe."

A gloved hand swept down instantly and pulled his mouse paw-shoe from his foot. There was a ring in it.

He reached down and picked it up. It was a cheap toy-dispenser ring, and bore the emblem of something Avatar related.

"Will you marry me, Reno Sinclair?" The gloved hand swept it from his grasp and held it up to his face.

"My name's Reno Kiri-freaking-bani, loser! And HELL NO I WON'T! I'd rather date a dead rat that's been toasted and fed to a bunch of orphans who barfed it up for lunch! I'd rather date a gay Zack that's been recently divorced, I'd rather marry a freaking 12 year old fangirl that makes out with a giant cardboard figure of Robert Pattinson than marry an overly-tall, obsessive, evil bastard that secretly wears makeup and once played with Barbie dolls until he realised they hated him...Oh, it's you Sephiroth."

The atmosphere had suddenly turned dark. Very dark. Extremely-very dark. And THAT was not even a word. Not even Lightning or the 13608236 fangirls stalking him could save him now.

"You know, glasses really make your eyes stand out." Reno wasn't quite anticipating Sephiroth to bitch-slap him, although he may have possibly deserved it.

It seemed as if Han Solo could rub off on any guy.

"Uh-oh, speak of the devil..."

* * *

Ahahaha, that made absolutely no sense xD Ohwell. Review? :3


	29. Reno, Ziva and the Hojoed Spider

Yaay~ Tis one of my all time favourite character's time to shine :DD Ziva David, NCIS Special Agent. (No, sadly I do not own her xD)

WooP. Enjoy c:

* * *

Reno was just lounging about in his office, wasting away another average weekday, when his door received a thorough bashing. Someone had obviously never heard of a doorhandle.

"This...cheap door-gah!" A young woman suddenly burst into the room, wearing a not-so-friendly scowl. She met his gaze. "You may want to consider repairing that door."

Reno lounged back in his swivel chair and rested his head on his arms. "Nothin' wrong with it."

The dark haired, dark eyed woman turned around and observed the door. A chair had fallen to the floor next to it. It was clear that this man didn't appreciate visitors.

"May I speak to your boss?" She asked the redhead. There was a sense of urgency in her tone.

"..."

"I'm sorry. My name is Ziva David, and I am an NCIS Special Agent."

"..."

"May I PLEASE speak to your leader?"

"..."

"Look, if there is a problem, tell me." She was growing agitated now.

"..."

"You obviously do not realise that I am an ex-Mossad officer."

"..."

"Meaning I could kill you 16 different ways with this felt-tip pen."

"..."

"I will not hesitate."

"..."

"Is there are reason you are as silent as the gravy?" Ziva demanded, narrowing her brown eyes curiously at Reno.

"Silent as the_ grave_." He corrected her. A wisp of a grin threatened to capture his lips.

"Oh, so_ now_ you talk!"

She received a snicker in reply. "Oh, right. I was too busy watching the huntsman sitting on your shoulder."

Ziva yelped and let her eyes dart to her shoulder. A huge, furry, green spider with twice the amount of legs as usual met her gaze and waved at her.

"OH MY EFFING IFRIT!!!!"

Reno turned to the source of the sound-Elena had dropped her coffee all over her shoes and was staring wide eyed at the spider.

"OH MY EFFING ELENA!!!!" Reno screeched in reply.

"What?" She asked, trembling.

"I dunno, just wanted to fit in."

Ziva brushed the spider off her shoulder and looked between the two Turks in mild disgust. "You are ShinRa, yes?"

"ShinRa?" Zack appeared out of nowhere. "Dammit, I thought I was in LA."

Reno, Zack and Ziva all exchanged confused glances. Elena just lay on the ground, having obviously fainted. The Hojo'ed spider looked up at them from Elena's head, looking bemused by the whole situation.

"...I'll be at Tifa's if you need me."

The three conscious people watched in silence as the spider put on a pair of sunglasses and left the room.

"Where's Rude?"


	30. Reno, Rude and the Song of Gayness

Ohhai~ :3 I'm using some of the lyrics from the song "If You Were Gay" by Avenue Q (a really funny Broadway musical-check it out on youtube ^-^). Please don't sue me c: I swear I don't own anything . Avenue Q does. All of it. In fact, they can even take credit for the entire chapter if they like D:

Enjoy! xD

* * *

Rude breathed a sigh of relief as he finished the last sheet of paperwork on his desk. Feeling victorious, he settled down into his chair and finished the last sip of his coffee. He could now take his ten minute lunch break.

Yet, as fate had decided, Reno happened to enter the office just as he prepared to leave for the cafeteria.

"Oh, hey Rudette! Guess what I heard from Nora down stairs!?" Reno chirruped, striding over to Rude's desk and slamming his hands on the desk in satisfaction.

"Nora? _Rudette_?" Rude squinted at his partner through his sunglasses. "Isn't she the lying bitch that spread the Tsufus rumour? Who the hell believed that anyway-_besides _you?"

Reno jokingly appeared offended, and drew his hands back to his side. "The way she said it was believable..."

"Well yeah, it would have." Rude retorted under his breath. "You were doing her when she said it..."

For the first time in months, Reno was sincerely speechless. Probably at the fact that Rude seemed to know this, implying that Nora really _was_ an A class gossiper.

"W-whatever. Don't turn this on me!" Reno's eyes darted from left to right anxiously. "She said you've got the hots for Tseng. And I mean, I believe her, 'cause I know there's a good reason you wear those 'glasses inside."

Rude snorted. "That proves nothing."

Reno's moment of weakness had gone as quickly as it had arrived, and he was now as calm and confident as ever. "Look bud, I'm here for ya, okay? And to prove I'm with you on this one, I've got a surprise for you..."

He motioned towards the door, and suddenly, the sound of male voices combining in harmony filled the room. Cloud entered first, followed by Zack, Barret, Denzel, and finally, Sephiroth and his three clones. Rude's jaw dropped.

"If you were gay..." Rude had hoped that the first line of the song, started by Cloud, would be the worst he had to endure. But it wasn't.

"...That'd be okay," Denzel added. Rude attempted to make a break for it, but was pinned to the wall by Kadaj and his silver haired goons.

"I mean 'cause_ hey_, I like you anyway." It was no surprise that Reno had sung this line.

"Because you see..."

After struggling for a few moments underneath the pressure of the shiny men, Rude decided to give in to the torture and face it like a man. A girly man. A helpless, girly man. He groaned.

"If it were me..."

"I would feel free-"

"-To say-"

"-That I was gay-"

"-But I'm not gay."

If Rude's hands weren't being stroked by the silver haired screw-ups of nature, he would have given himself a facepalm. "Reno, how much longer-"

"IF YOU WERE QUEER... " Reno began, earning a defeated groan from Rude.

"I'd still be here..." Denzel threw a handful of confetti above Rude's head.

"Year after year..."

"Because you're-"

"- Dear-"

"-To me."

"And I know that you..."

"Would accept me too..."

"If I told you to-day, "Hey guess what-I'M GAY!"."

"But I'm not gay."

Elena chose that moment to walk into the office. Cloud was raising a glass of cherry cider to the ceiling, Barret was in the middle of a strip-tease, Denzel was throwing confetti over every object in sight, Sephiroth was arranging a wig on Rude's head, Kadaj's gang were kissing the palms of Rude's hands, and Reno was marching aimlessly around the office singing "I'm not gay" at the top of his voice.

Just as Reno belted out a high pitched "So what should it matter to me", everyone seemed to notice Elena's presence. The room froze and all was silent.

After a horribly awkward moment, Elena found her voice. "Since when did my office become the new YMCA clubroom? I mean, Reno, I've always known you've had a thing for Rude, but-_Sephiroth!_?" She gawked.

Reno tried to reply, but instead, he found himself finishing his earlier sentence. "...What you do in bed with guys?"

* * *

EPIC FACEPALM TIEM :DD

Kyaa. Review? c:


	31. Reno, Edward and the Pheromones

In which I get the chance to blatantly make fun of Twilight and the sparkle fairy, Edward freaking Cullen. HAHAHAH. Yes, I'm feeling crazy today xD

What's that? You want to know what was on my playlist as I wrote this? Why certainly! xD (Yes, as you can see, it takes me quite a while to write a chapter xDD)

Tik Tok – Kesha

No Air – Glee Cast

Zen Me Ban – Fahrenheit

These Words – Natasha Bedingford

Hot 'N Cold – Katy Perry

Starstruck – Lady Gaga

Got No Place To Go – Gabriella Cilmi

Thankfully, I do not own Twilight. If I did, I'd be ashamed -_-' Please don't sue me, Stephenie Meyer fans. –gets sued-

* * *

_Swish._

_Swish, swish,_ went the red cape.

Reno spun around, progressively faster, admiring the way his blood red cape (a Vincent Valentine rip-off) fluttered gracefully behind him. He paused to loosen the ties on the neck-area of the cape, which he decided were trying to choke him. He couldn't comprehend how the ex-Turk managed to wear this stuffy, tight, awful thing day and night. However, one had to make sacrifices. If feeling uncomfortable attracted bucket-loads of chicks, Reno would be willing to do so. Though he didn't see how pants as high as his were sexy. He felt like an idiot, save for the cape and the triple-barrel gun he was twirling. Despite how odd he may/may not have looked, he was prepared for anything.

All he had to now was head out for the hunt.

Reno didn't manage to exit the front door of the apartment hallway without getting bombarded. Though, to his dismay, the person who had slammed into him was a _guy_. At least, he thought he was. He did seem a tad peculiar-what with the full, gothic-black lipstick and glittery skin. He looked like a Goth who'd ended up at the wrong end of an anime convention.

"Who the hell are you?" Reno asked blandly, his aquamarine eyes fixated on the man's fairy-dust-sprinkled skin. "_What_ the hell are you?"

The man straightened himself and quickly brushed himself off. His eyes were darting from left to right, and he couldn't seem to stand still-he was constantly twitching.

"Hello?" Reno tried again, squinting as if anticipating a better result. "Are you GAD or something, 'cause if you are, there's this-"

"I'm being attacked by rabid females." The man said at last.

"See, that's all you had to say." A carefree grin spread across Reno's face.

Then he fully comprehended the sentence. "Wait. _What!? Score!_ Whereabouts are they?"

The man tilted his head to one side and eyed Reno studiously. "Behind that fern to your left. Laying in wait underneath that car over there. One of them is clinging to your roof, but she won't hold out-ah, there she goes."

Reno was about to make his first move, until a thought struck him. "Hey Sparkleballs, how'd ya get so popular with the chicks?"

"The name is Edward Cullen. My balls do in no way sparkle," Edward replied smoothly. "And to answer your question, I believe it is my pheromones."

Reno's face was distorted with a mixture of confusion and horror. "That's what Vincent said..."

As if on cue, Vincent marched past, wearing his ex-Turk's uniform and his jet black hair tied in a ponytail. A swarm of teenage girls followed him like bees would to honey, swooning and taking any chance possible to touch the EMR by his waist. He looked proud.

"So, this _'pheromone'_ thing..." Reno muttered, his eyes not leaving Vincent's wannabe-Reno hairdo. "Can one buy it?"

A small, familiar voice replied. "Not likely."

Reno looked towards the source of the sound-it was sitting on the shoulder of Edward.

"Oh, dammit Rudameg, I told you before-the _red _glasses! The black ones make your nose look fat." Reno groaned.

The Rude frog croaked in reply. "I don't have a nose."

"Exactly."

"What?"

"OH. MY. FREAKING. SHIFRIT." Reno exclaimed, so randomly that the vampire-wannabe jumped in surprise, causing the Rude frog to leap from his shoulder to the nearby fern tree.

"You stunk anyway." The Rude frog muttered.

"I know how you get these pheromones!" Reno continued, his eyes blazing with newfound knowledge. "You gotta be at least 50 years old, wear clothes that make you look ancient, coat yourself in kid's glitter dust, have size 21 feet, buy cheap rubber fangs from the discount shop, and wear make-up. And maybe be a pedo."

"Well, that explains why I'm single." The Rude frog mumbled.

"Hm." Reno considered this. It had to be true, because it had been five whole minutes since he'd stepped outside, and not one girl, chick or Twitard had zoned in on him.

At that same moment, Reno felt a woman's lips upon his own. After a good ten minute make-out session, Reno realised it was Elena. She then confessed her love for him and told him that pheromones or not, she would stalk him forever, and he would never need another woman in his life.

After stealing the vampire-lady's motorbike, Reno sped away and found refuge in a country town outside Midgar, where he set up his new life on a farm. He'd renamed himself Vedward Cullentine and bathed in glitter every day of the week. It was there he cultivated many a female population. Little did he know, but his farmer wife turned out to be Elena disguised as a werewolf. And the trusty spider in the corner of the room he'd named Rudina was a very hairy Rude frog. And the strange voice in the closet was Edward Cullen, who, over time, had grown extremely long fingernails due to excessive-not-cutting, and tended to poke out every now and then. They resembled scissors.

And then one day, they all died in a haunted ice-cream truck wreckage. Apparently the cheap rubber fangs got lodged in their throats in an attempt to eat their way out of the ice-cream and they choked to death.

* * *

That was...the weirdest thing I've ever written xD Ohmai, I don't know what came over me P:

I'm giving out a free haunted ice-cream with every review submitted.


	32. Reno, Cid and the Anagrams

Hahahah iono xDD

Anagrams are words that are created by using all the letters of a different word, rearranged. If that made sense olol.

* * *

As far as the employees of ShinRa inc were concerned, today was just another day in the headquarters. Paper planes floated gracefully-and some not so gracefully-down the corridors, coffee spills were the norm, and there was constantly that familiarly distinct chatter that you just knew was gossip travelling throughout the building. Everything was-

"NAZRAT!"

"I didn't do it," was Tseng's immediate reaction at the sudden, unanticipated sound. He turned his head abruptly from the screen where he was doing his 'work' and glanced nervously around the room, his eyes darting sidewards. He then frowned as he realised it was merely another one of Reno's random, impulsive outbursts.

Said Turk looked up at his superior. He strangely resembled a dog that had peed on the carpet and knew he was in for it. "What?"

Tseng narrowed his eyes in frustration at him. "Please grow up, Reno. I'm too busy to have to cope with your childish mannerisms."

"Why, 'cause your lookin' at porn?" Reno's retort was more of a statement than a question. He sniggered when Tseng's face reddened. "...or nrop." He added as a whisper.

"Don't be stupid, Reno," Tseng muttered in reply, hastily waving a hand in his direction. He then took his chance to seize the situation and attempt to make Reno drop the subject. "I hope you're ready to interrogate Highwind."

Reno's face went blank. "..."

"Reno?"

"..."

"_Reno!?_"

"..."

"That's code for 'Rude spider is sitting on your shoulder'." Elena piped in from somewhere across the room.

Tseng appeared slightly relieved in knowing that one of his most talented Turks had not _completely _gone nuts. Though he was growing more and more concerned by the day. "I see. What's with that anyway?"

The Rude spider adjusted his sunglasses and straightened his newly made tie. "Dunno, but I'm liking it."

"Elena, after escorting Reno to the interrogation room, take Rude down to Hojo." Tseng ordered brashly, "and Reno, wipe that idiotic look off your face."

Reno found his voice again. "Why, so you can look at porn, G-nest?"

Tseng appeared daunted at the mention of his most hated childhood nickname. He even looked mildly depressed. "...Please leave me..."

"Why, so you can look at-"

"_Reno!_" Elena hissed, dragging the grinning man out the door by the arm.

The travel down the elevator was not pleasant. There were many floors above the newly built interrogation room, which just so happened to be _below _ground. And Reno decided to make the trip memorable by _singing_.

"...And so Edur the Mighty, caught her alnighty, as Anele the Blondie, got stuck on his wandie...But then Oner, the Boner, saved them, as a stoner...Something something something, then they got together, inside, the elevator, na na na na, la la la la...Elena, did you know that your name spelled backwards is Anele?! How awesome is that!?"

Elena, who in desperation had been blocking her ears with her fingers, hesitantly pulled them out and grimaced deeply at him. "Reno, are you on drugs? Or have you just been drinking excessively? No, it can't be the latter, that's normal..."

Reno grinned at her. "Nah babe. I've just hit that age..."

Elena's eyes widened. Not so much at the 'babe' comment, but the fact that he had mentioned 'that age'. "W-what age!? I'm not going to lose my sanity soon too am I!? Oh no...Tseng has been acting strange lately too...He's always checking his e-mail..."

Reno's grin broadened as he realised he'd got her hook line and sinker. "Oh, you know the age...Your hair slowly starts to turn white...you become a lot sweatier...you're suddenly craving for a good-looking redhead...you notice your eye colour darkening..."

Elena's screech implied that Reno had won. "Oh my gosh. I _have_ noticed those symptoms...Er, except for the craving for a good-looking redhead one."

The elevator doors opened then, and Elena pushed Reno out of the elevator hastily. She was glad to be ridding of him. "Have a good one!"

The chuckling Reno brushed himself off and walked coolly down the hallway towards the door marked 'interrogation'. He cleared his throat and entered.

"Sup yo's."

Cid Highwind was sitting in a grey chair looking more than a little pissed. His arms were folded across his chest and he had an unlit cigarette hanging from his mouth. "Mind telling me what the _hell_ I'm doin' here, badass?"

Reno casually slid into the chair opposite the pilot and rested his arms on the empty table in front of him. "Well, apparently you stole one of my fangirl slaves and did away with her."

"Don't waste my time, fuckin-"

"Mind your language, Dick." Reno interrupted sharply, though he couldn't deny his lips the pleasure of smirking.

"What the hell, _you're_ the one callin' me bloody _Dick_!"

He received a chuckle in reply. "Woops. Sorry 'bout that. I'm in an anadromey mood today. Do ya know what an anagram is? They're fricking awesome man."

Suddenly, Reno re-entered his goofy, childish form and lost all means of crude sincerity. Cid appeared stunned and slightly suspicious.

"Like, the anagram of 'eleven plus two' is 'twelve plus one'! It equals the same answer! How awesomely cool is that!? And-oh get this-Anna, lol and racecar are all the same when they're spelled backwards!!"

"...What...the fuck." Cid's expression was one of disgrace. He looked deeply disturbed. "I always knew you Turks were fucked in the head. I told 'em all, but no one believed me..."

Reno didn't seem to hear. "Oh oh! And the anagram of 'The Morse Code' is 'here come dots'! It's FREAKING awesome!! Oh wait, you haven't even heard the best one-"

"Hey," Cid yelled, directly into the man's ear, "What's the anagram of SHUT THE FUCK UP!?!?"

His tone had practically screamed 'don't try me'. But of course, Reno tried him.

"...He thus put fuck."

Cid twitched with rage. "You're gonna regret this, bastard."

"Regressing thy nut rotor."

"How the _hell _do you come up with these!?"

Reno shrugged and lowered his internet connected mobile phone. "Skill."

Cid's eyes narrowed. "Skill my right asscheek."

There was a moment's silence before Reno stretched out his arms and yawned. "Okay, well, it was nice talkin' with ya."

Cid instantly jumped from his seat. His face turned a bright red. "'THE HELL!? You didn't even tell me what I did! You fucking retards, I swear I'm gonna-"

He stopped cursing as the lights turned off and the door slammed. All was silent for at least a minute, until Cid literally swore that there were beady red eyes glowing at him through the darkness.

They were the remorseless, rabid eyes of killers, he knew. And of the worst kind. Their schoolgirl whisperings and giggles informed him that he was about to be glomped and strangled to death by a horde of merciless fangirls.

Reno rubbed his hands together evilly as he watched from behind the viewing window.

"Mwahahahahah Raga Man..."

* * *

Sorry if the ending seemed a little rushed . I couldn't think of how to end it! D: Yeah, ahem, Raga Man=anagram...In case you didn't...never mind XD Anyways, if you're bored and you want to test out a word or phrase as to see its anagram sibling, visit: http : // wordsmith. org /anagram / (without the spaces-tell me if that website came up or not).

Anyways, reeeview~ :DD You know you want to :3


	33. Reno, Elena and the Rubix Cube

I use Elena too much, don't I? xD Ohwell~ She's fun to write with Reno :3

Sorry for the late updates. I've been doing some house moving :DD And I have a big English assignment due Tuesday which is gnawing at my butt. Hahah random xD

Enjoy~!

* * *

"'Lena?"

"Shut up Reno."

"Aw but 'Lena-"

"Shut _up_ Reno."

"'Lena come on!"

Reno was very determined to get Elena involved in his latest game, involving only the most idiotic, depressed and bored of the ShinRa employees. However, the young Turk wasn't interested in the slightest.

"For the last time Reno, I do not want to commit suicide!" Elena cried, exasperated. "Although with you around 24/7 I sometimes consider it..."

Reno gave her his finest puppy-dog, innocent eyed; I-love-you-'Lena-so-please-say-yes expression, which in return made her stern composure waver. As it always did.

"I'll play as long as there are no weapons involved." Elena remarked.

Reno's irresistible expression grew even more so. "But Russian Roulette is not the same without a gun."

"...Shut up."

Her sharp reply brought Reno back to phase one-whining like a child who's denied a new toy.

"But _'Lena_!"

"Grow the hell up."

"'_Leenaaa!" _

Tseng entered the office then, his presence noted by the coloured cube he threw at Reno's head. The latter, who was kneeled on the floor next to Elena's desk, caught it moments before it hit him and gazed in awe at it.

"Could it be...?" He whispered in admiration.

"Oh I wonder!" Tseng whispered back, his voice rich with sarcasm and impatience. "Leave Elena be."

But Reno wasn't listening. He was already absorbed in the colourful puzzle, transfixed with it. He rotated the cube left and right, up and down, his mind totally concentrated on the task before him. Elena had never seen him so focused.

"Hey Reno-"

"Shut up."

"But I-"

"Shut up."

"Reno just-"

"Elena, just shut the frick up."

"Frick isn't a-"

"SHUT THE HELL UP!" And with that he reached into the trashcan next to her desk and threw a piece of scrunched up paper at her. And then Elena finally understood how it felt to be denied the right to speak.

So she threw a stapler at him.

* * *

Did you get the obvious Lady Gaga reference?? xDD Hahah fail.

Reviews make me happy :DD Happy me = moar updates. Sad me = less updates.

Yes, I've now resorted to threats.

Have a nice day.


	34. Reno, Lightning and the Butt Toad

Ohhai :3 I got the idea for Reno's view on Lightning from a picture on DA. xD So here it is. With some extra added stuff . Though I'm not really happy with my writing style atm. It seems too rushed or something D: I don't like it.

Anyways, enjoy~! ^-^

* * *

"Clooooud!"

Reno's glomping spree was silenced with a blow to the head by the feminine victim.

"Hahah," Reno began, rubbing the throbbing lump on his forehead. "That's you alright, man. Or should I say, _wo _man. They sure did a good job of your sex change!"

The young, strawberry blonde woman glowered at him through blood red slits. "Lightning."

Completely ignorant, he continued, "Hot damn Cloud, if I didn't know any better, I'd tap that!" He winked at her, though the clear signs that she was about ready to murder him hadn't quite sunk into his thick skull. "Ya ever considered the prostitution industry, cause-"

The woman's fist slammed into him so hard that he flew down the busy street and landed in a pile of fresh garden manure. Just by chance.

"Not a fan I take it?" Reno called out to her "I hear the strip poker club could use some-" He missed the incoming bullet by a fraction of a millimetre.

"Star Wars conven-" He finally got the picture as a flurry of knives whirred past his head, removing a large proportion of his hair. "Hey, no one likes a killjoy, Cloud!"

"Lighting!" She screeched.

"What are ya," Reno retorted. "Pikachu!?"

"Hey!" A gruff male's voice yelled at him from a not-so-far-away distance, and soon after, a pitchfork went flying his way. "Get the flying pig-crap outta my soil!"

Reno didn't hesitate in fulfilling the Cid-like man's request, especially considering there was a lightning storm following close behind. "Heeeelp me!"

On cue, his bald counterpart leapt from behind a tree, his EMR* at the ready. "Eat lightning, spawn of Strife!"

Moments later, a huge spark of bright electricity burst into the atmosphere, blinding the life out of innocent passerbies. A surge of crackling sound deafened all within range.

Reno peeked out from behind his hideout of shrubbery and gasped. Pikachu was bald, and Rude had a long, blonde mullet.

The latter stared at each other for a long moment. Then they stared some more. Until Reno finally broke the silence.

"So Rude, I see your anti-frog treatment went well."

The one who called herself 'Lightning' stared at him, utterly baffled.

Rude shrugged casually, as if they were back in the office sipping cups of tea in fine china. "Not too bad. I've got this toad growing on my ass though…Might be Hojo related."

Then her mouth widened in disgust.

"Ah. Dammit hey. I hear they cure warts though, so ya won't be havin' any more trouble in the lower region!"

Reno and Rude looked towards the place where the woman had been sitting. It was now clear of all persons.

"That's my man, Rude," Reno grinned. "Now let's go get some chick! Preferably ones that love slimy animals!"

* * *

* Rude actually does have an EMR, just in case you didn't know. He just prefers to use his fists :3 (See FF:AC where he gets his baton out to smack Cloud in the head with it. He doesn't come close to succeeding, in case you haven't watched it)

Reviews are love~! C: And also, I update faster when I have ideas xD (obviously) So it would be really helpful if you could put in your review a character you'd like to see in a later chapter, and also a theme/object to put them with. Thankyew :DD


	35. Reno, Elena and the Janitor's Closet

Ohmai. How naughty sounding 8D (tis alright kiddies, it's all G rated xD)

I couldn't help myself but to pair Reno up with Elena again x3 It's ridiculously easy to write. Yes I'm lazy. XD Give me another idea/character and I'll write them. And for a limited time only, you'll receive an authentic Reno plush toy! –lies-

* * *

"…And so I was just minding my own business, bathing in the fishpond-"

"Like you do," Elena interrupted the redheaded Turk, an amused smirk playing on her face.

"-When he threw a damn cat at me!" Reno was scowling now.

"…A cat. What the hell Reno." Having heard enough , Elena resumed her computer work. If you could call solitaire work. Life as a Turk was becoming increasingly uneventful, since crime rates had been down so low lately. Reno had decided that Rufus had become a black-clad assassin and scared off all the would-be criminals with his lightsaber, though Elena had dutifully reminded him that assassins carried daggers and throwing stars, and only idiotic redheads and rat-tailed Jedi used lightsabers. So now the Turks sat in their office, playing solitaire, throwing citrus tic-tacs against the wall and catching them in their mouths, annoying each other, and poking brooms up loose holes in the roof. Reno was guilty of the latter.

Ten minutes later, Elena had found an online quiz titled "What colour are you?". It seemed like an average quiz, but Elena had a pretty average IQ, so she clicked it.

"Oh my gosh, I'm yellow!"

Elena's squeal awoke Reno from his doze. "It wasn't me!" He said quickly.

"Reno, it's your turn!" His blonde counterpart said in a sing-song voice.

"…Whatevs."

Elena ignored him. "Hrm. What would you do if you were a woman for a day? A: Start a-"

"Play with my boobs." Reno replied, a mischievous grin spread across his face.

She rolled her eyes and ran her fingers through her hair. Not that she wasn't expecting a smart-ass answer from the king of smart asses. "Did I expect any better?

"Yeah Laney, what were you thinkin'!?" His comment earned a stapler to the head, a clear sign that Elena had given up on him.

Reno was in the middle of grooming his pet rat Benny when Rude stumbled into the office, looking like he'd just been mauled by a bear.

"You look nice, Rude. All dressed up for the ball?" Reno joked while his rat desperately attempted to escape from his overly-loving grasp.

Rude staggered towards his desk and replied, "Nngh…Just got chased by a bear."

Reno and Elena's eyed widened and they asked in unison, "What?"

Frowning at Elena, Reno asked Rude, "Weren't ya just going for a coffee run?"

"Heh," Rude muttered in reply, "The darkness will never relent."

He received two confused and concerned looks.

"Uh, Rude, are you feeling okay?" Elena asked, resting her chin on her hands.

At that exact moment, the Turks heard a loud series of crashes and clashes from nearby. As it was the most interesting thing that had happened since Tseng started dating Rufus' secretary, the three bored Turks bolted out the door and ran towards where the sound had originated. They found that it was the beloved janitor's closet, full of memories that no Turk could forget.

Reno and Elena turned to Rude instinctively. "You're it."

Rude didn't seem to be listening, however. He was too busy fingering the door. "The darkness is nearby."

"What the hell is with you and the darkness, man!?" Reno whispered harshly. "And shut up before it hears you!"

Elena bit back a shriek at Reno's words and clung onto his arm. "W-who's _it?_"

He grinned slyly. "The Shadow Bear of Death."

She punched him on the arm. "Loser."

And then Rude turned the doorhandle. Oh so slowly, the door began to open, and the anticipation grew.

"ROAR!!!"

Two high pitched screams filled the room, heart's pumping furiously. Rude was the only one that remained calm.

And then Tseng jumped out of the closet, laughing so hard that he had to put his hand on his chest to calm himself. He finally eased down, but then burst into a second bout of laughter when he saw Reno and Elena on the ground, shivering in fear and clinging to each other desperately. Rude was laughing too-a rare sight.

"I hate you Tseng!" Elena squealed angrily, pushing Reno away from her. "And Rude, you're a rude ass!"

Rude eased into a chuckle. "Tseng, I think we got Reno good." He nodded to the empty spot on the ground where Reno once was. There was a trail of pee down the corridor.

"I don't know," Tseng admitted. "It may easily have been that ugly rodent that was carrying a toy knife."

As he spoke, Benny trotted up the corridor wielding a bloody knife, laughing in a high-pitched, evil sort of way.

* * *

Ahh, the things Turks (and rats) get up to when they're bored xD


	36. Reno, Tifa and the Alien

…8D Meet Fred.

"OHMYSHIFRITTIFA!"

The once deserted bar now bustled with life as Reno burst through the front door, squealing at the top of his lungs and running around in circles like a madman with his hands flailing in the air.

Tifa glanced up from her late-night cleaning duties wearing a weary frown. "What now, Reno? You find an alien in your backyard?"

Reno beamed at her. "Actually, yes."

"…You're drunk. Now there's a surprise," Tifa muttered, resuming her work. She'd grown quite accustomed to Reno's intoxicated state and the odd happenings that went with it, though that didn't mean she enjoyed the company. It was a tiring thing, looking after Reno. In fact, it was much like looking after a two year old child on a rainy day.

Reno exited and re-entered the bar, though this time with a fluoro green, fuzzy space creature sitting on his shoulder. "Meet Fred."

Tifa stared at the thing, awestruck. This was the first time one of Reno's bizarre findings actually existed in reality. "I'm dead. Tell me I'm dead. Or drugged. Yeah…That's it, drugged…"

Reno plucked the creature from his shoulder and held the small thing in the palm of his hand. Now Tifa could see quite clearly the alien-like features of it. It was made up of two pairs of black antennae, had three eyes, seven legs, a cat's tail, and a mouth strangely alike a '3'.

Yet all Tifa could ask was, "Why Fred?"

Reno replied with a hearty laugh. "Good question. See, I think he looks a lot like my Uncle Fred, what with his hairy stature and all. Hence the name Fred."

Tifa broke the sudden awkward silence with an equally awkward laugh. "That's…normal, Reno."

"Yeah," Reno was stroking his pet's green fuzz. "You should give it a pat before it chooses you as its enemy and devours your intestines while you sleep."

Tifa blinked, a tad bit disturbed, "O-kay…Does it bite?" She gingerly held out her hand to the creature.

At her gesture, Reno practically threw Fred at Tifa's fingers. "Nah, lookit him! He wouldn't hurt a rhino if it stabbed him up the ass! Well, maybe then…Ahem. Ignore me."

Instantaneously, the monster opened up its surprisingly massive jaw, revealing a long line of needle sharp teeth, and began to gnaw at Tifa's hand. Subsequently, Tifa screeched to the rooftops and flailed her arms around in the air wildly, crying for Reno to shoot the 'damn cursed freak of nature' before she got out the bazooka. Reno, being the intelligent, sharp-witted Turk that he was, reached for the nearest keg of ale and threw it at Tifa, causing the alcohol to drench the two to the bone.

"Well didn't that take skill!" Tifa exclaimed, hurling the gurgling and most likely now drunk creature against the bar wall, "I'm fricking drenched, you idiot!"

After Reno reclaimed his pet and dried it thoroughly, he answered, "Shh, not in front of the kid, hun. At least you haven't been gnawed to death."

"Oh, and whose fault would that have been, huh? Wait…wait. Did you just call me 'hun'?" Tifa was fuming now.

Reno, realising his mistake, took a few steps back and swallowed hard. His fate was not a pretty one, judging by the redness of his opponent's cheeks. "Um, well…That's really a matter of perspective-gah! Run Freddo, ruuuun!"

Tifa chased him out the bar door and down the street, throwing several empty beer bottles at him as she did so. "Be thankful it's not cats I'm hurling at you!"

"What!"

"Just shut up and run!"

Been really busy these past few weeks, moving houses and what not. So sorry for the delays in updating :l I hope you've enjoyed! And remember, reviews, no matter how short or long, are loved :D

Oh, and if you're awesome, you should listen to Mr Mysterious by Vanessa Amorosi :3 tis a cool song.


	37. Reno, Sephiroth and the Random Hobo

Whoa. It's been months. Heh. -gets shot- Forgiveness, peoples! Haven't you learnt anything from Aerith's death?

Ahem. So yeah, I've had a crazy few months. A crazy year, in fact. I'm still getting back into my writing groove (does that work?), and managing using a couple of pillows as a desk.

Enjoy!

"It was so easy that night, shoulda been strong, yeah I lied…"

The flat-screen TV flashed vibrant colours at the enthusiastic young singer reading off its chest. Bold, white words rolled their way across the screen, forming the lyrics of the pop-hit "About You Now" by the one and only Sugababes- secretly Reno's favourite band. Little did Reno know, his cranky, middle aged neighbour in apartment 3B was having an afternoon nap.

Reno burst into fitful dance as the chorus began. "…CAN WE BRING YESTERDAY BACK AROUND, CAUSE I KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT YOU NOW! WOO YEAH BABY!"

"HEY, SHUT THE HELL UP DOWN THERE BEFORE I CALL THE MENTAL COPS YA NUTJOB!"

"Sorry Mr Bramwick!" Reno called back after dropping to the couch and cowering in shock.

It was a Sunday. Weird things happened on Sundays (at least, they did in Midgar). Reno had a tendency to have random PMS like symptoms on Sundays, though this could hardly defend his child-like actions. Says the narrator as Reno begins to draw a picture of a gay unicorn with crayons. Indeed, strange things happened on Sundays…

Take the random arrival of Reno's long lost friend, for example.

"HEY HEY, KIDS!" Reno's apartment door burst open and fell to the ground, revealing a tall, sinister man in a cape. Oh, and he had pink hair. "Miss me?"

"OH MY EFFING CARAMEL POOPS! It's Krusty the Clown!" With that, Reno bolted towards the all-too-lovable-and-whose-existence-was-quite-questionable Sephiroth, enveloping him in a hug that would be the envy of many squeeing fangirls.

Said psycho head pushed him away, his narrowed eyes leading him away. "I am Sephiroth, and I have come back from my unexplainable death by melting in order to seek revenge on the monstrosity who _ruined my hair_."

"Oh that guy. He's next door." Reno replied simply, shrugging his shoulders. He threw his guest a beer.

"Ah. I appreciate it." Sephiroth's expression eased, and he even offered Reno a grateful smile. "Thank you, kind- _wait a minute_."

Reno's eyes widened in fear as Sephiroth's face morphed into a picture of evil.

"This is LIGHT BEER!" He boomed, sending the brown glass bottle crashing against the brick wall of the apartment.

"Light beer…WHAT THE HELL IS LIGHT BEER DOING IN MY HOUSE!"

Reno and Sephiroth went into a panicked frenzy as they pulled apart every corner and every crack of the room in an attempt to salvage any mysterious light alcohol. When all was said and done, the two men stood amongst the garbage littered on the ground and looked at each other.

"So anyways, I'll catch ya later, dude?" Reno continued, a chipper smile bright on his idiotic face.

"I'll agree to that." Sephiroth replied, nodding at the redhead. "Wait a minute…"

"Ugh, what now-"

"Is that…SUGABABES THEMED KARAOKE! I LOVE YOU, MAN WITH THE QUESTIONABLE HAIR!" Sephiroth bolted over to the couch, picked up a mic, and began to sing and out of tune rendition of "Get Sexy". "WHEN I'M WALKING DOWN THE STREET, THEY SAY "HEY SE-""

Mr Bramwell's voice boomed through the roof, and for a small man, his huge voice was enough to make even Sephiroth, master of the 'sexy', pee his tights. "I'M CALLING THE COPS; DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YA! Geez, men these days…You'd think they'd had enough of women."

Reno and Sephiroth stared at each other, the latter the more terrified. Clearly he'd never been in an apartment, much less come into contact with a middle-aged man.

"I say we go out for ice-cream." Reno decided with a wink at his mortified visitor.

After approximately eleven multi-flavoured ice-creams, seven hook-ups with random well-groomed females (save one well-groomed sailor), and one encounter with a dancing warrior-princess, Reno and Sephiroth stumbled their way down the street, their destination unknown.

"Urgh…" Reno was looking ready to throw up, judging by the shade of green on his face. "Wanna go barf in that alleyway, Sir Sephalot?"

"Gladly, Madam Ginger."

Stepping (or in their case, falling) into a Midgar alleyway was like stepping into a freshly abandoned war-zone. Hobos scuttled into dark corners like rats at their approach. Food scraps lay littered like fairy dust on the gum stained concrete floor. Vomit took the place of dead shrubbery, and trash bins lay broken on their sides, with one lone survivor rummaging through its contents. Paying no attention to the beautiful scenery, Reno and Sephiroth did their business on a few lonely pizza boxes. It worked well to scare the cockroaches away.

"Hey, yez poisoned ma king's feast!"

The two sickened men forced their heads to turn in the direction of the new voice. It belonged to a middle aged man with a balding head and a scruffy, wiry, food contaminated beard. He wore tattered clothing and carried a rat on his skinny shoulder.

Reno groaned. "Who's your…ack…king?"

Sephiroth smacked him hard on the shoulder and muttered in his ear, "Careful to insult him, Reno, he might throw a cat at you."

"Naw, ma girlfriend's the one with the fifty rabid, flea-bitten cats. Ohh ma feast…ruined I tell yez…" The man continued, sobbing.

Sephiroth narrowed his eyes at the hobo. "What's your name, haggard mortal?"

"Harreh." He sniffed, petting the rat on his shoulder.

"Hey, I have a rat just like yours!" Reno, suddenly over his sickness, bolted up and fearlessly held out his hand for the rat to nibble at. "Haha! My rat's name's Benny, what's his?"

Harry revealed his toothless grin to Reno and replied, "Corky Jones the Three Hundredth and Twenty Second."

"Ah…What happened to the last three hundred and twenty first?" Reno asked, drawing his hand back slightly.

"Oh nutthin'. Bin in the family for generations. He's Daddy got a bad case of the plagues, though. 'Parently that's how the whole geostigma thing got started."

"Oh, haha. Is that it…" Reno, slightly horrified now, began to back away from Harry, who was only advancing on him with that oh-so-charming grin of his. Harry began to chant his name, "Reno, Reno," until he suddenly gripped his shoulders and brought him in for a hug, rubbing his back whilst he did so.

Reno attempted to escape, but the hobo's slight frame was nothing to go by in terms of strength. "Whoa! Okay there, calm down…Sephiroth, what's he doing? A little help!"

"He's CLEARLY trying to mate with you." Sephiroth remarked, an amused smirk playing on his face. Reno yelped at this.

"Okay, okay, let go or I'll- HEY DON'T TOUCH THERE! Okay, you leave me no choice!" Reno reached for his EMR, but stopped when he heard the sharp slide of metal escape from its sheath.

"Stop. I will not let you hurt him, Reno. I…I have a confession." Sephiroth turned to Harry whilst Reno stared, confused as hell, at the pink haired man before him. "Harry, I am your father."

A long, awkward, intensely long and awkward silence followed.

"That was a reference that went horribly wrong…" Sephiroth muttered under his breath. Then, louder, he said, "Ah, you two carry on. I'll go wait in the car."

"NO! SEPHIROTH GET BACK HERE!" Reno squalked, impaled against a broken trash bin. "…What car?"

Hm. I seem to be quite fond of the 'cat throwing' business, don't I? This sure isn't the first time I've mentioned those furry felines being hurled xD lol. Haha, I kinda had Cletus from the Simpsons in mind when I wrote the hobo XD His voice and all…Probably doesn't work well considering they're from two different worlds and his accent doesn't exist in Midgar lol :P

Review for a cookie? :D


	38. Reno, Rude, Elena and the Holiday

I dislike this, yet it's here all the same; in hope that someone may find pleasure in reading this silly tale. I don't know what came over me. Nostalgia, perhaps?

xoxoxoxoxo

Ah, Costa Del Sol. Beaches, babes, coconut-cherry ice-cream sandwiches…The coastal town was, naturally, Reno's most prized work holiday destination. Many years had past and yet, incredibly, Reno never tired of the place. One could argue that this was prime evidence for the notion that the aging Turk had never truly grown up. Yet he would argue that by sixteen, he had reaped all the necessary equipment that he would ever need in life.

"Hot damn, Rude, check out that chick's fiery ass! It's like a giant, sexy fireball. Gimme some o' that!"

Reno and Rude, the former in Speedos, the latter in a modest set of board shorts, stood at the top of the beach where they had prime viewing of the tanned beauties before them.

Reno nudged Rude in the arm inquiringly. "Rude?"

"Huh?"

"You seem out of it. Where's yo oomph, man!"

Rude shifted uncomfortably on the wooden deck. "I'm…"

"Gay? 'Cause I totally understand if you are. Heck, I'd even gladly shift a bit for ya!"

Reno's bald counterpart covered his face with his hands, as if in pain or embarrassment. Reno plucked out a wedgie and winked at a disgusted brunette as she walked past.

"I'm getting old." He said finally. "I want to settle down, ya know? These girls aren't gonna do it for me anymore. And I was thinking…maybe you should rethink some stuff too, Reno."

But Reno wasn't listening. His Speedos were being magnetically pulled towards Elena and her three new friends, who were running down towards the water in tiny bikinis (although Elena was wearing a modest black one-piece). "I totally understand Rude, I just need to go over here for a sex...I mean sec."

Rude followed after him with a sigh.

Elena and her friends stood at the shoreline, talking and laughing. When Reno approached, Elena whispered something harshly to the girls. They all turned to stare him down.

"Hey ladies." Reno said with a wink. "Elena, care to introduce me?"

Her blink seemed to silence the entire beach. "I could tell you their names, though you probably wouldn't remember them. I suppose 'Shinra's tramps' might stick better?"

This seemed to catch Reno's attention. He tossed his pony tail in the air as if it were a whip, and grinned charmingly at them. They smiled faintly in return. "So girls; care for a drink later?"

"I've got one." The girl with long black hair replied, and bit her lip as she saw Rude.

Reno's eyes flickered to Rude and back. "That's too bad. I'm sure you two are up for a ride though, right?"

Elena threw her head back and erupted with fake laughter. She then turned stone cold. "We're not objects, Reno. We're not here for the benefit of your dick."

"I'm outta here." Rude bolted down the coastline.

"I concur!" He protested, granting her a light chuckle as he did so. "Men and women exist to reproduce, am I right? So _technically_, women ought to look sexy, so that we men have someone to make sweet babies with."

"But-"

"Protection, I know. I'm just saying, when it comes down to it, you _are_ here for the benefit of my dick."

Elena's face went bright red. Shinra's play girls giggled amongst each other, tossing their perfect hair over their barely-there bikinis. Elena glared at them to the point of silence before looking back at Reno.

"Alright then; if that's how you want to play, _fine_. I'm going to treat you like a sex object. You have no feelings, no emotions, no basic needs- nothing. You're as daft as that beach umbrella over there."

Reno smirked. "You're answering my prayers, babe." The bimbo's giggles flew up an octave, resulting in Elena tossing up the sand in resignation and storming off.

"Does respect even exist in this stupid little town! Bloody animals!"

"And proud!" Reno called after her. The whores swarmed over him, making a point to flick at his pony tail.

"Hey Reno?" One of the girls, blonde-haired and petite, twisted her arm around Reno's neck and breathed into his ear. "Elena's wrong; you're not a sex object. I know you have feelings, I know."

Reno shuffled closer to her in the sand and tried to shake off the other girls that were clinging to his waist and hair. He was feeling very satisfied…sexually, and all. Until the blonde girl drew back and…

…Punched him hard in the face.

Moments later, he was lying, dazed, on the steaming hot sand, frozen slushy painted over his face and hair. He heard the voices of the girls trail off into the distance as they chatted, delighted at the fact that he had believed that they were Shinra's whores.

"I think I've learned something today…" Reno mumbled, licking the icy drink from his blood-stained lips. "Slushy tastes better when it's been dumped on you."


End file.
